Coming Back to my Hometown Makes me Feel Like This
Why do I fail? I have so many ideals and hopes and thoughts for how things should work, how my life should be lived, how my relationships with family, friends, and significant other should unfold. But it always gets fucked up. Its easy to blame it on the hangups of others, but that can only be believed for a little while. Sometimes I think that if anyone truly gets to know me, they see all these bad things I didn't even know I had. How many times does it take before I start to believe they're true? What if they really are true?
i try to listen, take care of others, be kind, live life, and be Aristotilian in my approach to morality, but maybe I'm just full of vice. When the people closest to me only see bad things, I don't know whats left. I like my self pretty much for the first time since I was a little kid and too young to really think about self-awareness. but maybe I just like me alright cause I don't know me very well.
I cant stop thinking about my recent drug explorations, and keep wishing I could be laying in bed talking in hushed voices and seeing things differently. I realize that although the mood-altering part was very enjoyable, what I really want to have again is the connection and openness that the drugs allow. I would like to have that experience without having to injest anything. There are so many walls between people, after seeing them torn down for a few hours it hurts more than ever to see them put back up.
This concludes a self-pitying entry by Absinthe.
Why do I fail? I have so many ideals and hopes and thoughts for how things should work, how my life should be lived, how my relationships with family, friends, and significant other should unfold. But it always gets fucked up. Its easy to blame it on the hangups of others, but that can only be believed for a little while. Sometimes I think that if anyone truly gets to know me, they see all these bad things I didn't even know I had. How many times does it take before I start to believe they're true? What if they really are true?
i try to listen, take care of others, be kind, live life, and be Aristotilian in my approach to morality, but maybe I'm just full of vice. When the people closest to me only see bad things, I don't know whats left. I like my self pretty much for the first time since I was a little kid and too young to really think about self-awareness. but maybe I just like me alright cause I don't know me very well.
I cant stop thinking about my recent drug explorations, and keep wishing I could be laying in bed talking in hushed voices and seeing things differently. I realize that although the mood-altering part was very enjoyable, what I really want to have again is the connection and openness that the drugs allow. I would like to have that experience without having to injest anything. There are so many walls between people, after seeing them torn down for a few hours it hurts more than ever to see them put back up.
This concludes a self-pitying entry by Absinthe.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
chazstrummer:
I have similar feelings.
datura:
Life is like an abusive lover. Sometimes you feel loved and beautiful, sometimes you feel like you just got the shit beat out of you by someone you love. Thebest you can do is to keep dreaming, and aspire to be all the things yuo want, but to also be easy on yourself when the shit hits the fan. I am struggling with that myself. You got to give yourself some room. We all have parts of ourselves that are dark and scary. Embrace that and try to change what you can, and live with the parts you cannot change. Ah, wise words from a naked girl on the internet. Your experience sounds like an after E let down. Try to recall the part where the walls went away, and carry that part with you as much as you can. You will eventually find you can have it without the drugs, but it is rare, and takes work to cultivate. 
