absentbree

Today has been one of those strange days. You know the ones--you just want to find that wormhole everyone has been talking about, run through it and come out the other end in a place filled with whatever makes you happy (I need to make Stephen Hawking my best friend.).

It's been a tough two weeks. I lost a friend last week, no he didn't die but he simply disappeared. He is a former Marine, works as a private contractor, and was one of my greatest friends. I went to go see him a few weeks ago and we had a brilliant time. I'm not sure that we were ready to move on to the relationship stage--don't get me wrong we liked one another and the sex was amazing (to say the least) but the fact that both of us had dealt with a relationship in the last year that had ended badly (we both were cheated on) and that he lives far away from me made it hard. I didn't care. I was simply willing to be his friend.

I wish I could tell you what happened but I really don't know. One day I get a text that simply says " This part of my life is over. Not just you, but everyone there (where I live. He dated a girl from my hometown, it is how we met). You all are going to be nothing more than a bad memory."

I asked him what had happened, what caused this massive shift. I rummaged through my mind trying to find something that I had done (its my knee-jerk reaction) but I couldn't find anything.

He simply replied, "I'm done."

And that was that. I haven't heard from him and I still don't know what happened.

I've been trying to deal with it the best I can. I am not one of those Bella Swan types-- well, I can be if I let myself. I've been working on my writing, trying to find a job...but in the back of my head there is that question- "What the fuck happened?"

Last night I had a dream about him. It was one of those great, vivid dreams that feel real. Nothing really happened in it. We were on a bed goofing off and talking. When I woke up I thought I was still there and it was sad to find that I wasn't. All day I have been trying to keep my mind off of it with filling out job applications, knitting, writing and watching the Big Bang Theory but nothing really works.

I'm obsessed with the truth. I need it. I hate lying and I hate being lied to. In this case I don't know the truth and there is a huge part of me that needs to know it so I asked myself today-

"Self, if I could find out the truth would I want to know it? Is it better just not knowing?"

After some time I had my answer-- I realized that in this case I would rather just not know. For the first time ever I don't want to know the truth. Maybe not knowing is okay. For now.