absconder

So it occurred to me that I did grow some from ths past weeks experience ... I realized just how much of both my parents personalities I have to my use and have not realized the faults I need to grow on .... My Mother is probably the most incredible open well rounded person I know who hands down understands how to unconditionally love ... as for me Father he is hands down the hardest worker and provider you would ever met and is loyal beyond belief to my Mother ... however his affection side and expression is very cold ... see ... my Dad had a child hood that most of us cant even have nightmares about ... abuse that most could never survive ... I know because of this last weeks personal growth that from my Dad I inherited this need to help others to do things for others to feel alive ... problem is it is almost impossible to make me feel like you appreciate me ... and thats where I have found new peace this week ... I will do anything to help someone unconditionally ... but then I feel ripped off because I dont know how to accept they appreciate what I have done ... so I constantly punish myself thinking I have no done good enough because I think I didnt find appreciation ... but here is what I learned ... I do not need a reward for who I am ... I needed to accept I can be good to others and instead of feeling I didnt try hard enough ... appreciate myself for being a good person and thats is more then enough reward! I am not sure this makes sense ... I am still figuring it out as it comes to me....
Sorry to be ranting but I feel great that I found somewhere to grow as a human!