abra

october is hard for me. it always has been. oh, it's beautiful, of course. all blue and gold, all bright and dying, all falling and fallen. i don't know what it is, exactly, but it's so beautiful it makes me want to die. it's too much -- the world surpasses itself, and i can't stand it. my heart tries to burst out of my chest and everything is too much, and i want to die.

i am quiet, i know. here, and elsewhere. i lurk, forgive me. i am a lurker. there are people i adore, people who have changed my life. i lurk in the corner, nervous and awkward, drinking my drink. and i don't say anything.

days pass, and nights. life passes in days and nights.

and every october, i want to die.

and every october, i wake up to blue and gold.

i have been thinking i should retire. i am so rarely here.

but there are people i adore, people who have changed my life. will you know, even if i can't tell you?

i have been told that just at the moment one finally decides to give up on me and vows to never think of me again, i show up unannounced with apologies and cookies.

it's october, again. october is hard for me.