Today was a rough day for me in regards to the past. I know the past is the past and that there is nothing you can do but accept it. I am told I have PTSD according to the Veterans Affairs Office. And I do not know if this will follow me the rest of my life but I sure hope I will be able to cope with it. I recently went shooting with some friends though. And it didn't freak me out like I was expecting it to do. I haven't held a firearm since 2008 when I left the U.S. Army. After my 2nd combat tour I was just done with hunting. I still don't want to go hunting and probably never will again. To see and experience the loss of life first hand when it deals with human beings was something that was hard to deal with. I was @ FOB Sykes when this happened; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_Tal_Afar_bombings_and_massacre. And the images of the incident and aftermath I see everyday. I tried to take my own life following this incident but I didn't want to shoot myself because I wanted my family to have an open casket. Thankfully the injection failed to work in the desired way so here I am. I feel horrible because I can not connect with my family like I was able to in the past. It really hurts me inside. But it doesn't feel like it used to. I still love them and care about them. It's just I don't feel like I am tight with them anymore. Kind of like how Hawaii is from the rest of the United States. I know that is a bad anaology (sp) but it's all I can think of at the moment. I feel an instant kinship to others in the military though. They understand me. My mother just asks "What happened to the boy I knew?" There is no way for me to express the things I saw in Afghanistan 2003-2004 and Iraq in 2006-2007. Nor do I think I want to. Maybe that's it. Maybe I am trying to protect them from the truth. Trying to retain the bond of sanity and past with them by being detached. I only see them every few months but call at least every other week. I do miss my 3 nephews though. The youngest just graduated Kindergarten. Wow time goes by so fast doesn't it? Well I am off to try and get some sleep. Take care everyone and remember the lower jumper has the right of way.
