ablaze

You are now very special indeed. We say things like this with the intention of making your day. Yet somewhere there is also a grain of truth, for you have been called upon to assist us in the most DIVINE AND SPECTACULAR OF OPERATIONS, unbeknownst to both minor and major government, to be conducted in both the major and minor key but mostly in the minor, for you are not to leave without feeling satisfactorily berated and deflated.

We have orchestrated and executed a most clandestine and subversive plot.
We have been watching you. Through closed curtains and the frosted bathroom glass you always suspected you could see through, we have empathized with your every anguished plight, we have identified with secret facets of your complicated personality that even you do not believe in, and we have come to the statistically viable and scientifically prove-able conclusion, that this undertaking will be RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

We'll lay a quieting hand on your shoulder and rub softly if you find yourself in danger of becoming crazy.

And lastly, we would like to beg just one more moment of your time to wish you our most sincere and whole hearted CONGRATULATIONS, for becoming our newest very, very special friend.

Yours,

ANNONYMOUS NARRATOR with the VELVETY SMOOTH VOICE and SOOTHING DICTION with absolutely nothing to say, of any given relevance.