Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
Its a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
You know whats not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. Thats not natural.
But we got pills for that.
Were dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but were putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the
dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I cant watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious
diseases.
Like: Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time you dont even know what the commercial is,
there's people running through fields or flying kites
or swimming in the ocean.
Like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools now It's all about self-esteem in the schools.
Build the kids self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem,
who's going to dance in our strip clubs?
Whats going to happen to our porno industry?
These women dont just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk daddys missing a lot of dance recitals
before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears,
where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high speed connection?
Mastermind's another word that comes up all the time.
That you keep hearing about these ah, these ah, terrorists
masterminds that are being killed over in the Middle East.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way
to describe what these guys do, dont you think?
Theyre not masterminds.
OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack.
And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?
Why do I have to blow myself up? Why cant I just
Whos the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?
Americans, lets face it:
Weve been a spoiled country for a long time.
You know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity.
Obesity, they say were in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it's polio.
Like well be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
Howd you get through it grandpa?
Oh, it was horrible Johnny,
there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I'll sit at a drive thru.
Ill sit there,
I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of
getting up to make a eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized.
Want biggie fries with that? Want a jumbo fry?
Want to go large? Want a biggie fry?
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel
you fat mother fucker?
Theres room in the bag. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that?
Its only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little in your youth
to motivate you to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school,
do you think thered be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a lot of time stuffed in your own locker
with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start thinking,
Im going to take over the world of computers!
You'll see, Ill show them.
Were in one of the richest countries in the world,
but yet the minimum wage is lower now than
it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then
I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, thats what Im going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys.
Like if you give them money theyre just going to waste it,
he's gonna waste the money.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? Hes homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looked right at the homeless guy and says
Why dont you go get a job you bum?
People always say that to homeless guys,
get a job like it's always that easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Im guessing his resume aint all up to date.
Im predicting some problems during the interview process.
Im pretty sure even McDonalds has a underwear goes inside the pants
policy.
Not that they enforce it very strictly,
but technically Im sure it's on the books.
Lazyboy
Its a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
You know whats not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. Thats not natural.
But we got pills for that.
Were dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but were putting people in jail for smoking something that grows in the
dirt?
You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I cant watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious
diseases.
Like: Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time you dont even know what the commercial is,
there's people running through fields or flying kites
or swimming in the ocean.
Like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.
The schools now It's all about self-esteem in the schools.
Build the kids self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem,
who's going to dance in our strip clubs?
Whats going to happen to our porno industry?
These women dont just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk daddys missing a lot of dance recitals
before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears,
where does that leave me on a Friday with my new high speed connection?
Mastermind's another word that comes up all the time.
That you keep hearing about these ah, these ah, terrorists
masterminds that are being killed over in the Middle East.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way
to describe what these guys do, dont you think?
Theyre not masterminds.
OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack.
And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?
Why do I have to blow myself up? Why cant I just
Whos the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?
Americans, lets face it:
Weve been a spoiled country for a long time.
You know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity.
Obesity, they say were in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it's polio.
Like well be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
Howd you get through it grandpa?
Oh, it was horrible Johnny,
there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.
Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I'll sit at a drive thru.
Ill sit there,
I'll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of
getting up to make a eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized.
Want biggie fries with that? Want a jumbo fry?
Want to go large? Want a biggie fry?
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel
you fat mother fucker?
Theres room in the bag. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that?
Its only three more cents.
Sometimes you have to suffer a little in your youth
to motivate you to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school,
do you think thered be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a lot of time stuffed in your own locker
with your underwear wedged up your ass before you start thinking,
Im going to take over the world of computers!
You'll see, Ill show them.
Were in one of the richest countries in the world,
but yet the minimum wage is lower now than
it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then
I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, thats what Im going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys.
Like if you give them money theyre just going to waste it,
he's gonna waste the money.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do?
Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? Hes homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looked right at the homeless guy and says
Why dont you go get a job you bum?
People always say that to homeless guys,
get a job like it's always that easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Im guessing his resume aint all up to date.
Im predicting some problems during the interview process.
Im pretty sure even McDonalds has a underwear goes inside the pants
policy.
Not that they enforce it very strictly,
but technically Im sure it's on the books.
Lazyboy