My first blog homework :) - @rambo @missy
Long story short, bullying sucks. But here's the long story:
High school was whack, to say the least. Unfortunately I was an easy target; quiet, different, I never bit back to anything anyone would ever say to me. On top of these things, I developed a lot faster than other girls in my year - I had a 32E chest before I even finished school, and this was the main issue that people targeted me for.
I would've put it down to jealousy on the part of the girls who would pick on me, like my family and friends suggested, but it was the boys that would taunt too (sometimes more than the girls) and that started to really make me question if there was something wrong with me.
Imagine that? Questioning the growth of your own young adult body? Something you literally have no control over. Something that happens naturally, yet you're taught to hate that thing about you even though it's something you can't help.
I spent years hating and never feeling like I belonged in my body. I was denied surgery 5 times by the NHS for various reasons such as "you're in proportion" or "other girls have the same issues so it would be unfair to give this surgery to you but not to others" - yet, around that time, an aspiring model could go get a free breast enlargement to flaunt around, when all I wanted was something more manageable to be more comfortable with myself. The "proportion" comment damaged me more, as I've never been a big girl, so it seemed unnatural to have such big boobs for my frame. I starved myself for five years in the hopes that my boobs would shrink, but the rest of me wasted away while I was stuck with these horrendous balloons on my chest that weighed me down physically and mentally.
Eventually I went into in-patient care and recovered from my eating disorder, because I'm a tough lil cookie. After that, I realised another rejection from the NHS would ruin me and decided to go under private care. I remember guys would say I was "crazy" for wanting to have a breast reduction. "Such a waste", "oh, but guys LOVE big boobs", etc. etc. Like I should keep my body the way it is for the sake of what guys want? So freakin' shallow. Even girls couldn't believe it because they wished they had big boobs or I should "consider myself lucky to be blessed".
And that's the part people don't get. That's why, from their point of view, the surgery I had would seem "small" or "inconsequential". I was just changing a part of me. They didn't understand the physical pain or mental trauma I went through from something that most girls would consider a blessing.
Fast forward to five years after my surgery and I've never been happier with myself.
I remember wanting to model for SuicideGirls when I was 19. I saw all these beautiful women who were different like me, but so much more confident and sassy and sexy. But I felt like I could never do that because I was so embarrassed of my body. But here I am now, one photoset in Member Review and more on the way. I feel like I belong in my body now and I'm celebrating every moment I can.
Sorry for the long read! But I guess it gives a little background into what helped get me into becoming a Hopeful. And, as a side note, if any girlies wanted to talk to me about anything similar to what I've mentioned in this blog, please message me! Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who's gone/going through something similar to you. :)
