five point keelhaul...
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i hope that this is as confusing for you as it is for me, in fact, i hope you don't understand it at all. then we'll be even keel, sorry...
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about my brains, my emotions, and everything that accompanies me in the places i dwell against my will, the places where only darkness can thrive...
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the soundtrack...
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nooneunderstandshoworwhyifeelthewayidoincludingmyselfanditsmakingmeabsolutelyinsaneasitrytoreconcileallofthesadbrokenpiecesofmebackintothebeautifulunderstandingcreatureioncewastheressomuchfillingmyheadrightnowthaticanbarelystandtobealivetheonethingthatsbeengettingmethroughmydaysisalovethatsentirelyunexplainableandmoredifficultthananythingiveeverfallenintothoughittookmoretimethanithaspreviouslytofeelsafeinsaidloveithinkaboutheralldayeverydayhersmilemakesmefeellightandsoftandherwordsmakemefeelspecailandbeautifulthewordsshesaystomeanyhowshetellsmethatshelovesmeandibelievehertherehavebeenmomentsthatshetextedmetnetofifteentimesadayjusttotellmehowmuchshewantstobeclosertometoholdmyhandsandsitonmylapandfuckmetillimblueinthefaceandshakingfromherpleasuringmeaftermylongcrazynightatworklastnighttheonei'mstillnowtryingtorecoverfromtheonewhereshetextedmethatshelovesmeandthatishouldhavedreamssweetasshehasbeentometofindexactlythethingihavebeentryingsohardtoavoidsohardtoforgetthatsheistoshareherselfsexuallywithsomeonethatistodowhatevertheywanthertodowithinlimitsthatbarelyexistthatthethingsshedoesformearetobedoneforsomeoneelsefornothingmorethanbeingcleverforafourwordtaglinethatsoimpressedherthatshewoulddoanythingtheyaskofherbesidesfuckingherselfliveorcomingtoundressinpersonforthembarringoutthingsshehastoldmethatshehasdoneandwouldonlydoformeaccompaniedbythefactthatshewrotesomefuckingassholethatsharesthesamelikenessinnameasherassumedpersonalitybecauseherfriendaskedafavorofherwrittenonhertitsforsomethingtolookatbecausehewasafuckingidiotandbecameapartofsomethingvileandridiculousandisnowsupposedlysecludedfromthepleasuresthatmensolongforwheneverwebreatheeventhoughthisfriendstatedthatherboyfriendwastheonlyonetoreceivethissamegiftfromherherselfbutforsomereasonitsokayforhisbestfriendtoreceivethissamegiftfromwomenwhoknownothingabouthimandthattheyareinvolvedinsituationsthatwouldnaturallycausepainandjelouasyinloverstoofarawaytorecievecomfortorthemakeupthatsrequiredtogetoversomethingaspainfulashavingtosharesomeoneyouareinlovewithwithsomeoneelseanyoneelseletalonegivingoutsexualfavorswhethertheyaretobeoverinternetconnectionsornotisofabsolutelynoconsequenceasthatsalsotheonlywaythatwehavetostayintouchwitheachotherthatthethingsthataresupposedtoonlybesharedwithmearebeingsharedwiththemostcleverfourwordsentencemakersandsomefuckingassholewithnorealconnectionatallsavetherequestofafriendcouplethiswiththefactthatihaveagirlfriendthatgivesmenottheattentionthatineedandissocomplicatedinnaturethatitsdevastatingtoallpartiesconcernedastherearemakeshiftchildreninvolvedandthatiamessentiallycheatingonherwiththisloveofminethatisnowcausingmesomuchpainthroughthesharingofherselfsodifferentfromthesharingiwasalreadytryingtogetusedtoandthepromisethatiwastheonlyonewhowouldbereapingthebenefitsofherlovethatshetellsmesheisminedespitemyargumentstothecontrarythatshewillneverbemineimayhaveherheartbutimalwayshavingtocompetewithsomethingforherattentionevenwhenisupposedlyhaveheralltomyselfifeellikeimgoingtothrowupuntilallofmyinnardsareoutsidethatiamsimultaneouslyimplodingandexplodingwithnorecoursenosavingmyselffromthisbecauseihavegrownsoattachedsoinlovewitherthattoloseherwouldbesomehowmoreterriblethantryingtoliveoutthedevastationandsorrowofhersharingherselfwithothersthewayshesharesherselfwithmefornothingatnocostwithnoattachmenttakingawayallmyspecialallofthethingsthatmakemefeelspecialmuchlikealloftheotherinfidelitiesthathavecausedsomuchdamagetomybruisedinnardsthatimayneverrecoveraswasbeforesaidlovefoundmeandbeganitsdecentintoaheartgaurdedbythemostferociousofdemonsiamsinkinglikegravityismyworstenemyandhastakenuponitselfanirrevocablevengeanceupontheverythingthatseesthroughmyeyesandfeelswithmyheartthatcountsthelonelysecondsthatturntodaysupondaysoflivinginalmostnothingbutthecompletedesireforhertobeminetoloveonlymetoshareherselfonlywithmethatwaythemodelingshehasdoneisnttheproblemthaticandealwithartisdifferentevenwhenitisentirelysexualychargeditsartandthatisthatitstheunintentionalinflictionofpainfromthingsundetachablefromthehumanconciousnessfromthephysiologythatmakesuswhoweareiamhypersexualandhaveyetfoundawaytobesatisfiedasdoessheiimagineiwanthertownatmelikeiwantheriwanthertolovemethewayiloveheriwanttobereciprocatedinmydesireandsharingofmyselfonlywithheriwanthertobehappyiwanttoinflictnocontroloverherorforhertofeelrestrictedbymeinnowayiwantthatrestrictiontocomefromherfromthelovethatshesaysshehasformenotanownershipbutfromthethingthatmakesuslongonlyforonepersonbegginthequestionwhatislovewtfisgoingonamianidiotamialosercountingthesecondsuntilshewalksoutofmylifesameasshewalkedinhertodayandgonetomorroworisthisquestionablethingwecalllovegoingtoresideinusforaslongaswevesaiditwouldnoleavingeventhoughiseemtopusheveryonethatireallyreallycareaboutawayfrommewiththesamethingthatpulledthemintobeginwithiamlosingiamlosingthisbattlealongwithsomanyothersthatitfeelsnotentirelyunlikedyingaslowhorribledeathlocatedcentrallyandradiatingoutfromthetearingofheartstringsalreadystichedbacktogethersomanytimesthattheyarealmostunrecognizableassuchmychestistightitshardtobreatheandifeelweightedlikeconcreteshoesnochoiceinbecomingwhattheyhavebecomecontrollingemotionshasneverbeenmyfortayseeminglyimpossiblesavethatmomentwheneverythinghurtssobadonejustbecomesdetachedoutofsheershockthebodyandsoulincapableofprocessingthecompletelackofunderstandingofsignalsandmessagesasmanyinnuberastherearesynapsesandsubsequentpossibilitesofthenumberofconnectionsmorethantherarestarsintheskythesameskythatwelookonandwonderifthecheeseontheotherendoftheseconnectivemetaphysicalheartstringsislookingatattheexactsametime...
nooneunderstandshoworwhyifeelthewayidoincludingmyselfanditsmakingmeabsolutelyinsaneasitrytoreconcileallofthesadbrokenpiecesofmebackintothebeautifulunderstandingcreatureioncewastheressomuchfillingmyheadrightnowthaticanbarelystandtobealivetheonethingthatsbeengettingmethroughmydaysisalovethatsentirelyunexplainableandmoredifficultthananythingiveeverfallenintothoughittookmoretimethanithaspreviouslytofeelsafeinsaidloveithinkaboutheralldayeverydayhersmilemakesmefeellightandsoftandherwordsmakemefeelspecailandbeautifulthewordsshesaystomeanyhowshetellsmethatshelovesmeandibelievehertherehavebeenmomentsthatshetextedmetnetofifteentimesadayjusttotellmehowmuchshewantstobeclosertometoholdmyhandsandsitonmylapandfuckmetillimblueinthefaceandshakingfromherpleasuringmeaftermylongcrazynightatworklastnighttheonei'mstillnowtryingtorecoverfromtheonewhereshetextedmethatshelovesmeandthatishouldhavedreamssweetasshehasbeentometofindexactlythethingihavebeentryingsohardtoavoidsohardtoforgetthatsheistoshareherselfsexuallywithsomeonethatistodowhatevertheywanthertodowithinlimitsthatbarelyexistthatthethingsshedoesformearetobedoneforsomeoneelsefornothingmorethanbeingcleverforafourwordtaglinethatsoimpressedherthatshewoulddoanythingtheyaskofherbesidesfuckingherselfliveorcomingtoundressinpersonforthembarringoutthingsshehastoldmethatshehasdoneandwouldonlydoformeaccompaniedbythefactthatshewrotesomefuckingassholethatsharesthesamelikenessinnameasherassumedpersonalitybecauseherfriendaskedafavorofherwrittenonhertitsforsomethingtolookatbecausehewasafuckingidiotandbecameapartofsomethingvileandridiculousandisnowsupposedlysecludedfromthepleasuresthatmensolongforwheneverwebreatheeventhoughthisfriendstatedthatherboyfriendwastheonlyonetoreceivethissamegiftfromherherselfbutforsomereasonitsokayforhisbestfriendtoreceivethissamegiftfromwomenwhoknownothingabouthimandthattheyareinvolvedinsituationsthatwouldnaturallycausepainandjelouasyinloverstoofarawaytorecievecomfortorthemakeupthatsrequiredtogetoversomethingaspainfulashavingtosharesomeoneyouareinlovewithwithsomeoneelseanyoneelseletalonegivingoutsexualfavorswhethertheyaretobeoverinternetconnectionsornotisofabsolutelynoconsequenceasthatsalsotheonlywaythatwehavetostayintouchwitheachotherthatthethingsthataresupposedtoonlybesharedwithmearebeingsharedwiththemostcleverfourwordsentencemakersandsomefuckingassholewithnorealconnectionatallsavetherequestofafriendcouplethiswiththefactthatihaveagirlfriendthatgivesmenottheattentionthatineedandissocomplicatedinnaturethatitsdevastatingtoallpartiesconcernedastherearemakeshiftchildreninvolvedandthatiamessentiallycheatingonherwiththisloveofminethatisnowcausingmesomuchpainthroughthesharingofherselfsodifferentfromthesharingiwasalreadytryingtogetusedtoandthepromisethatiwastheonlyonewhowouldbereapingthebenefitsofherlovethatshetellsmesheisminedespitemyargumentstothecontrarythatshewillneverbemineimayhaveherheartbutimalwayshavingtocompetewithsomethingforherattentionevenwhenisupposedlyhaveheralltomyselfifeellikeimgoingtothrowupuntilallofmyinnardsareoutsidethatiamsimultaneouslyimplodingandexplodingwithnorecoursenosavingmyselffromthisbecauseihavegrownsoattachedsoinlovewitherthattoloseherwouldbesomehowmoreterriblethantryingtoliveoutthedevastationandsorrowofhersharingherselfwithothersthewayshesharesherselfwithmefornothingatnocostwithnoattachmenttakingawayallmyspecialallofthethingsthatmakemefeelspecialmuchlikealloftheotherinfidelitiesthathavecausedsomuchdamagetomybruisedinnardsthatimayneverrecoveraswasbeforesaidlovefoundmeandbeganitsdecentintoaheartgaurdedbythemostferociousofdemonsiamsinkinglikegravityismyworstenemyandhastakenuponitselfanirrevocablevengeanceupontheverythingthatseesthroughmyeyesandfeelswithmyheartthatcountsthelonelysecondsthatturntodaysupondaysoflivinginalmostnothingbutthecompletedesireforhertobeminetoloveonlymetoshareherselfonlywithmethatwaythemodelingshehasdoneisnttheproblemthaticandealwithartisdifferentevenwhenitisentirelysexualychargeditsartandthatisthatitstheunintentionalinflictionofpainfromthingsundetachablefromthehumanconciousnessfromthephysiologythatmakesuswhoweareiamhypersexualandhaveyetfoundawaytobesatisfiedasdoessheiimagineiwanthertownatmelikeiwantheriwanthertolovemethewayiloveheriwanttobereciprocatedinmydesireandsharingofmyselfonlywithheriwanthertobehappyiwanttoinflictnocontroloverherorforhertofeelrestrictedbymeinnowayiwantthatrestrictiontocomefromherfromthelovethatshesaysshehasformenotanownershipbutfromthethingthatmakesuslongonlyforonepersonbegginthequestionwhatislovewtfisgoingonamianidiotamialosercountingthesecondsuntilshewalksoutofmylifesameasshewalkedinhertodayandgonetomorroworisthisquestionablethingwecalllovegoingtoresideinusforaslongaswevesaiditwouldnoleavingeventhoughiseemtopusheveryonethatireallyreallycareaboutawayfrommewiththesamethingthatpulledthemintobeginwithiamlosingiamlosingthisbattlealongwithsomanyothersthatitfeelsnotentirelyunlikedyingaslowhorribledeathlocatedcentrallyandradiatingoutfromthetearingofheartstringsalreadystichedbacktogethersomanytimesthattheyarealmostunrecognizableassuchmychestistightitshardtobreatheandifeelweightedlikeconcreteshoesnochoiceinbecomingwhattheyhavebecomecontrollingemotionshasneverbeenmyfortayseeminglyimpossiblesavethatmomentwheneverythinghurtssobadonejustbecomesdetachedoutofsheershockthebodyandsoulincapableofprocessingthecompletelackofunderstandingofsignalsandmessagesasmanyinnuberastherearesynapsesandsubsequentpossibilitesofthenumberofconnectionsmorethantherarestarsintheskythesameskythatwelookonandwonderifthecheeseontheotherendoftheseconnectivemetaphysicalheartstringsislookingatattheexactsametime...
Because I did a similar thing what seems a lifetime ago for a lost love who is only lost because I keep her that way and that's the way it has to be for the both of us. And now I'm fighting for my new love, to keep her and to keep "us" real. Does that make sense.
Anyway, here is what I did, kind of like you, but with other people's words...
I finally put two and two together. Good luck with you and your love too. Canada and Texas seem to be our El Dorado.