aaardvark

"But if there's one thing about you that I admire it's baby because you stay with me maybe because you're as crazy as I am."

I hate nights. I hate being awake because there is just nothingness. I hate sleeping because when I do it is just endless nightmares. So I'm caught in a horrible ultimatum. At night is when I write here and is also when I make the least amount of sense. Infomercials, endless mahjong, reading of books when I cannot possibly comprehend anything I read, heartburn, heartache. Everything I hate happens now, whether I am awake or not.

Sometimes I think I have serious problems in my head. I'm a sick person and no one even knows it. If I were to always speak what was on my mind, and allude to what really goes on in my head I would be deemed a "monster". I think this is where the nightmares come from. My own twisted little mind. They never end. Three a night is the usual, each different in its own little gruesome way. I like to think that I'm a nice person, but the things I could do if I let myself get away with them just amaze me. I can't say I'm wholly without consience, obviously, it is what has kept me from acting any of my thoughts out. Sometimes I just feel like its going to slip one day and theres nothing I can do about it.

I hate valentines day. I think I would like it alot more if I was single. I really wish I was single around this time of the year. My friend Pickerign stayed the night last night, and all day today until about 8 tonight, so that wrecked any chance of actually going out with J and doing anything. He was showered and in bed by 9.

I think I have a horrible fear of commitment. I don't like to think of having a career, because I would get bored easily with it, I think of having one steady job for years and it scares the shit out of me. Same with guys, of course, and any other huge long term event. I just need to stop being such a pussy.

The really sad thing about all of this is that I actually think I have a pretty good life. These are just a couple of things that bug me at the moment. I'm sure in about a month I won't even remember a couple of them. At the moment, however, I just want to disappear. I often think about how easy it would be just to take off. Not that hard, really. Get enough money to put some gas in the car and drive to a town. Work here and there to keep yourself going and no one would ever have to know where you are, its so simple. But I know my life would drag me back in, especially my family. I am the go between, the crazy glue that holds everyone together, without me, they would most likely crumble, which I hate. I so desperately want them to be able to handle their own shit, but I know if I leave myself out of it everything would shatter, and I can't do that. I just bear too much responsibility for my own good.

I must go now.