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aaardvark

Minneapolis

Member Since 2003

Followers 133 Following 110

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Tuesday Feb 15, 2005

Feb 14, 2005
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"But if there's one thing about you that I admire it's baby because you stay with me maybe because you're as crazy as I am."

I hate nights. I hate being awake because there is just nothingness. I hate sleeping because when I do it is just endless nightmares. So I'm caught in a horrible ultimatum. At night is when I write here and is also when I make the least amount of sense. Infomercials, endless mahjong, reading of books when I cannot possibly comprehend anything I read, heartburn, heartache. Everything I hate happens now, whether I am awake or not.

Sometimes I think I have serious problems in my head. I'm a sick person and no one even knows it. If I were to always speak what was on my mind, and allude to what really goes on in my head I would be deemed a "monster". I think this is where the nightmares come from. My own twisted little mind. They never end. Three a night is the usual, each different in its own little gruesome way. I like to think that I'm a nice person, but the things I could do if I let myself get away with them just amaze me. I can't say I'm wholly without consience, obviously, it is what has kept me from acting any of my thoughts out. Sometimes I just feel like its going to slip one day and theres nothing I can do about it.

I hate valentines day. I think I would like it alot more if I was single. I really wish I was single around this time of the year. My friend Pickerign stayed the night last night, and all day today until about 8 tonight, so that wrecked any chance of actually going out with J and doing anything. He was showered and in bed by 9.

I think I have a horrible fear of commitment. I don't like to think of having a career, because I would get bored easily with it, I think of having one steady job for years and it scares the shit out of me. Same with guys, of course, and any other huge long term event. I just need to stop being such a pussy.

The really sad thing about all of this is that I actually think I have a pretty good life. These are just a couple of things that bug me at the moment. I'm sure in about a month I won't even remember a couple of them. At the moment, however, I just want to disappear. I often think about how easy it would be just to take off. Not that hard, really. Get enough money to put some gas in the car and drive to a town. Work here and there to keep yourself going and no one would ever have to know where you are, its so simple. But I know my life would drag me back in, especially my family. I am the go between, the crazy glue that holds everyone together, without me, they would most likely crumble, which I hate. I so desperately want them to be able to handle their own shit, but I know if I leave myself out of it everything would shatter, and I can't do that. I just bear too much responsibility for my own good.

I must go now.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
drummer73129929:
I agree. I'm curious about these dreams/nightmares.

Though I can relate to you on the fear of commitment part. I have the same problem. I tend to sabotage every relationship or friendship that gets remotely close to me. I'm doing it to my GF right now and can't seem to stop it.
Feb 15, 2005
st_eve_bc:
never put the 2 before the 1

if your some composite apoxy cementing the gaps in what is the family quilt, maybe its ok for you to sew your own patches.

"live you life, be free"
I believe that is a belinda carslile song

Feb 15, 2005

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