aaardvark

Okay, I am officially fed up with my entire FUCKING life. The only saving grace was Jason, and now he's gone and fucked that up. I've told you all how the guy we were living with in Madison was an entire sexist asshole. He thinks that I've got Jason whipped, that I'm keeping him from his friends and family (we're going to be at his parents until Sunday, and for christ's sake, I encouraged Jason to go and live with Josh), that I hold sex over Jason's head to get stuff from him (I resent being called a prostitute), and now tonight, Jason decides to finally tell me why Josh thinks all this shit...

First, a while back, Jason and I weren't having alot of sex. I've got my problems with intimacy from shit that happened to me while I was a young en, I'm sure the smart ones can figure out what happened. Sometimes I just get insecure and scared and I don't like to have sex. I know it'll get better, I just know that it takes time. Jason emails Josh about this problem, even though Josh is sexist and knows nothing about girls. Josh obviously tells him that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that he should just find a different one. Jason says that he is at the end of his rope and doesn't know what to do anymore, he doesn't think he can take it. So basically he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I won't have sex with him everyday. Nice.

Now he also tells me tonight, after I prod him a bit (because I want to call Josh and try to straighten all this out, he figures I'm going to find out anyway), that while we were on our wonderful first trip together, the trip he took me on for my birthday, the trip where I found out how much I really love him, and the same exact trip where he told me he didn't want to marry me anymore, he emailed Josh one particular morning that I had said that I wanted to go home (I had been sick alot and things had just been sort of crappy), and told him that more or less I was being a drag and he'd rather have Josh on the trip. He tries to justify it by saying that he was just upset that I wanted to go home and was just venting.

Basically, all the reason's Josh hates me, Jason has given him. And this entire time hes been telling me the only reason Josh doesn't like me is because I'm Jason's long term girlfriend, and Josh doesn't like girlfriends. How nice of him to omit everything that he's said to him to make him think that. I'm sure I've forgotten some of what was said, which I'm okay with. I just can't believe that when everything was starting to look up and I was starting to feel better, I get hit with this. The person I love more than anything in the world, life itself, has betrayed me to a point I don't think I can take. I just don't know what to do. I wish it would just all end.