aaardvark

I was laying alone last night, and just thinking. Jason is gone for a while, and I don't even know if I'm going to miss him. I wonder if he misses me, doesn't really matter, love only works what it is two sided.

Then I wondered, would I be sad if I died right now. No. I think I would welcome it. I have nothing to look foreward to. I can't stand being around my family, and I haven't got any friends who aren't doing something with their incredibly wonderful busy lives.

I have nothing.

Nothing to show for the 3 yrs of working since school. Yes, I travel. What do I get out of it. Not some greater sense of being, just a sense of being somewhere else, somewhere that isn't here. And yet, I find it so hard to leave. I can't move because I'll be away from all my family who has too much time for me, and all my friends, who don't have enough time. I don't get it. Maybe its the need to see something comfortable.

If I die, maybe it will release me from whatever stranglehold I'm in right now. Not that I'll do it myself, I suppose I'll just wait until it happens, whenever that might be.

Nothing gives me pleasure anymore. I try to think of something that would make me happy, and I can't. I wonder whats wrong with me.

Thinking is a dangerous thing...I should stop.