I've just come back after a long hiatus. Since 2010 when I joined, I've completed my degree in Forensics, I've worked in two pathology labs and finally got my dream job working as a mortician for a funeral company. Eventually, hopefully, I'll get put through the embalming course and then I will be a qualified embalmer.
2018 was probably one of the worst years I've experienced. I got married in 2016 to the man I had been with for over 9 years, and it was not the best. There was a lot we didn't talk about. A lot of issues and to be totally honest, I feel like I was being emotionally abused a lot. I ended up fucking up and cheating on him with someone at my new work. And yeah, I regretted it, but I also felt liberated. So I chose to walk away from my marriage, rent for the first time, live alone for the first time and try to find myself again.
Let's just say, I don't really like myself. So much depression, so many mixed emotions and so much guilt. It's been a wonder that I haven't jumped off a cliff... I think my job helps keep me from diving off the deep end. I see the final result and I see the impact it has. How do you find yourself again? Where do you start? I hate being alone. I find it very hard living alone. I'm extremely co-dependant.
My new "partner" (and I use that term loosely) is a wonderful support. I've never had someone so un-judgemental. He lets me be me, including when I am acting like a lunatic. He is the same. He's as bad as I am, but we help each other through our shit. It's nice to have someone that understands. But it's also extremely exhausting, trying to pick someone up when you yourself feels like crumbling.
I like to write. I like to rant and just unleash my thoughts. I might dabble into my poetry again. I haven't written a proper poem for a long time. No one needs to read this, it's just a place I can get my thoughts out.
You may get stories about my work as I vent.. it's an extremely stressful job, but fuck, we have fun. I'm also house hunting again. I need a bigger place. I need to just... get myself better this year.
Bring it on.
