_seven_

Never say you've hit bottom, because it'll only get worse.

This week I lost my brother, my love, my son, and my daughter.

I try to refrain from posting things too personal in my journal, or things that deal with my relationship with Loe, but this is one of those times where I feel the need to talk to someone. I'm not bashing, in any way whatsoever, understand that, but simply talking... because there's not much else I can do now.

Its tough to think that you were trying so hard to do the right thing, to fix things, and still fall flat on your face. I know I made good decisions and I know I made bad decisions; that I'm fully aware, but the goal was always the same; to be happy and supporitive of my family. I've never tried so hard and changed my ways so drastically. Maybe if you knew me before, you'd understand now. To go from commitment-fearing childless bachelor to dad overnight; and I seriously do mean overnight, to all that you live for is your family and your unborn daughter, that is change. Night and day. I'm not asking for a medal... just acknowlegement of change.

And please dont confuse survival instincts with acts of selfishness or ignorance. I know I've strayed from long term goals to solve short term problems, but it was always what I felt needed to be done. If it seemed selfish, it wasnt my intentions. If it seemed sneaky, it wasnt my intentions. When I feel something needs to be done, I've always taken the stance of "do it now, fix it now, and the end results will outweigh the cons", it has its flaws, I know, but when you're fighting to survive, you'll grab anything that comes your way to get you out of the situation. Absurd amounts of fear stress will change any person, and Loe and I have had a life-time supply in less than a year.

She's not a bad person... I'm not a bad person, but our relationship thus far has been a complete train wreck. Maybe we need time off from eachother and the stupid amount of stress we deal with. Maybe trying to fix things has only caused us to hate eachother more. I dont know. I really dont know where to go from here.

We're different from when we met, like i said in my last post "I miss my girlfriend", and it all boils down to the shit we've had to deal with. We tried to roll with the punches each in our own different way and that obviously failed. Maybe if we werent thrust into living with eachother and being mom and dad so soon, we would have learned more about eachother in a less stressful and defensive situation. Maybe we would understand eachother more and things wouldnt be so difficult.

I'm not throwing around the blame, I'm just trying to understand.