[**The internet's gone down at home for a few days
but I'll be back on Monday if I can't get to a wifi spot over the weekend. Anticipate a funblog. Videos 'n' pictures 'n' shit**]So, where to begin...
I've had the most mental Summer and it's taken its' toll. I'm not well.
For a few years now, I have become more and more... detached, I suppose, is the best way to sum it up. A few times, I have self-harmed. But only every 6 months or so, and not much. But in the last 3 or 4 months I have worsened exponentially week by week.
It's strange, isn't it, how we can say things so unashamedly online which would never pass our lips in the real world. Only one person in my everyday life has any idea I do this. My flatmates don't even know that I'm unhappy. Fuck it, I don't even know if I'm unhappy. I don't think that it's an issue of happiness. I think it's more to do with expression and detachment. Perhaps.
About 5 or 6 years ago, my best friend at the time was a self-harmer, and no matter how hard I tried I could not understand it. I sympathised with her, and I did whatever I could for her, but I just couldn't get my head around it. It's certainly weird to be on the flip side of that now...
Anyway, I don't want to get too emo about this; I mention it just because it's been a pretty vital component in my Summer. And also because I've found it comforting to think of SG as a safe place to say things without being judged or making things awkward with anyone. So there we go.
There's so much to say and no way to do it all justice, so without further ado...
My Summer in glorious bullet-point fashion:
> Well let's kick off where my last proper blog left off. Beginning of Summer, my best friend set to move in with us. I have touched on this since, but basically she went AWOL. I saw her last weekend; that was the first time since it all happened. Rejection etc. Still not really sure what to think about it all.
> Work. Lots of work. LOTS of work. Basically, I have a severely masochistic attitude towards work which actually ties in with my SI... apparently. I was continuously pushing myself to the limits, and more often than not there was plently enough work on to give me the excuse that I had to do it!
> Drugs. Drinking and smoking of course. Also took MDMA and Mushrooms for the first time. Thumbs up.
> I'm 22. I'm not sure if that means anything. I'll decide if it does when I'm 23. For now, it feels pretty similiar to 21.
> Emma. (Different Emma to best friend Emma) I have been in love with her longer than I think I even realised. She is the most amazing woman in the whole world. Certainly no point going into detail here. I told her how I feel, and she doesn't feel the same way. That's pretty crushing.
> Berlin. LOTS of drinking and smoking. It was mental.
> New York. Less partying. More schmoozing and film stuff (it was technically a work trip, so networking and the like. But still got to do lots of the tourist things.
I also got to go to the Central Park Carousel where the final scene of 'The Catcher In The Rye' takes place, which was a bit of a pilgrimage for me - the book has meant a lot to me.
> Canada. Niagra Falls. Immense.
(No photos up yet, I'll post one when we sort that out)
> The Recession. The Recession?!! Yes. I'm basically losing my job. Sort of. It's complicated. We can't afford to keep our studio because loads of our clients have gone bust etc. It's a shitter. And I'm coming off salaried work, because they can't guarantee my wage. But I still work for them, I just get paid more money for less work on a job by job basis. Could work out better, but it's not secured. If the jobs don't come in, I don't get paid. So I'm also going to do freelance work as an editor/cameraman. Putting together a website etc in the coming month. It's all a bit scary really.
So them's the highlights. (Lowlights?) Obviously it's not really possible to talk about however many months of stuff in such a relatively short space, but I've done my best at catching up on the biggies. Now I can stick to the subtler bitesize intricacies!
If you made it this far, I truly thank you! I will try to do a more interesting blog next time. Maybe even a video! Can you believe it?!
Much love. =)
xxxx
