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The world scares me.
It's overwhelming me today.

Oil is running out.
By the end of July we'll know whether or not America has started a war that will NEVER end.
Net Neutrality is under compromise.

The world as we know it is changing. Artistic professions will be the first to go. What real-world skills will I fall back on? I define myself by my career and my dreams. One is under threat and the other is locked in my head.

Am I exaggerating? It's comforting to think that I'm not, but is that just procrastination and naivite?

I haven't been in love for two years.

I am not pessimistic. I see beautiful things in everything and everyone that surrounds me. But that makes it even harder. I'm not prone to this sort of mood but when it hits me it hits me hard, and I don't really know what to do or think at the moment.

So I try to think about good things;

I am writing, my film is piecing itself together somehow against the odds and I am happy with it. My bosses want to produce it. Our first feature film has managed to find its' way to the like of HMV, Zavvi, Woolworths etc. That's nice. Considering it's a silly teen comedy and we didn't have a clue what we were doing when we made it! My company paid for me to go to America for Sundance, and they're paying for me to go to New York and Canada for more film festivals in September. I am editing our latest feature film and I have just cut a trailer.



Artistically it isn't what I'm aiming for personally, but it was an experiment, and it's looking okay I think. I have been listening to Decoder Ring on MySpace. I heard them first on SG actually, about a year ago on Yuki's video from the Italian Villa DVD. And I have rediscovered them. Find them and listen to 'Music Box' - it it like falling in love. Every morning I wake up and see the sea from my window. My best friend from back home is moving into my flat with us this weekend. She's an amazing person. My boss (in fact one of my best friends who happens to emply me) and I have started a 'philosphy club' (2 members so far...) where we pick a topic every couple of weeks and read up on it then meet somewhere bizarre and try to figure out the world and why it is.

It isn't all bad.

I have fallen in love with a girl in my dreams. I have had this recurring dream for a number of years now. Well, it is not a recurring dream in a traditional sense. The setting and theme are almost always different, and perhaps sometimes the girl is different, though I think that's mostly because I can never really remember what she looks like. But I feel uch love for her that it hurst to wake up. And I wish I was exaggerating. Even reading what I'm writing now makes me feel I'm a whiney twat, but I need to get things off my chest at the moment. I have known what it is like to be in love. And I have known what it is like to be infatuated. And I know the difference. And I know what it is like to feel both things. And that is what I feel for the girl in my dreams. Sometimes I have a fleeting but nonetheless beautiful moment where I forget she only exists in my head, and it's like being stabbed in the heart when I remember. I don't know what to do about it. I'd feel like an idiot asking for help. And who would I ask anyway?! And to be honest I'm not sure I want help. Maybe you don't choose love's arena, but it chooses you. And maybe all I can do is bow down to it.

Maybe I will.

And on that bombshell I'm going to go and get some shut-eye...

This hasn't been quite the comeback blog I intended, but for the first time in months I've felt likeI wanted to write here. I hope it won't take that long again. If anyone reads this, I thank you, and I promise to make an effort to take a more active interest in the lives of the virtual friends I've abandoned of late.

Much love.

xxxx