_matt_

Today I wanted to scream and so I did a few times. I actually stood there and just yelled in frustration and irritation and wanted to put a hole in a wall. I felt sensations that I haven't felt in a long time. I wasn't really angry, just frustrated. I felt like I was about to lose something that I wanted for a very long time. I felt the real loss of something. I wanted some things to happen that just weren't and I called one of my friends and was so upset it took them 10 minutes to calm me down.

I rarely ever get that mad. Some people tell me I have alot of anger in me, but I really don't belief that. And even if I do it rarely manifests. And if if manifests I never act on it and lash out. In recent years I have learned to turn my anger into spoken word and so that is what I did today and I am still not sure how I feel.

I am a man. And I think I am a bigger man for admitting that I have feelings that can be hurt and am able to speak my thoughts fluently and not feel a fool for it.

And so I made a phone call and spoke more articulately than I have in a long time and now everything is ok I think. I hope. God help me, I hope. I have never felt more alive than in this last month, I have felt so many new things.