Excerpt from my paper journal
And while I'm not sure yet whether the events of the past couple of weeks will help or hinder our friendship (the next few months will show this I'm sure), I do think that it was something we both needed.
In fact, I think you said that.
You said lots of things.
I think all three of us got something we needed at some point over that time. But it turned out for me it wasn't the thing that I thought.
No matter what happens I will always remember the time you text me at 2.30am to see if I was still up. Of course I was. I always am. You called to see if you could come round. You'd just finished work and you were having some kind of stress induced panic attack. When you got to my flat you said that you couldn't think of anywhere you'd rather be when you're feeling like that than with me.
I will never forget that because it was a fucking beautiful moment.
We've had a few of those really.
It's because I'm an open book to you. You understand me more that anyone else ever has. No matter how much they've claimed to understand me they haven't. You do. It's scary really. But I like it.
Another moment I'll never forget is the time I was laying on your bed cry and talking about what a car crash I was. You rolled over, held my face, looked at me and said 'you're not a car crash, you're so fucking human and it's beautiful'.
That really is one of those things that stays with you forever.
You did say that you were going to show me I was wrong.
You were going to prove to me that everything could be okay.
It took me a while to trust you. But I do trust you and I really hope you're right.
And while I'm not sure yet whether the events of the past couple of weeks will help or hinder our friendship (the next few months will show this I'm sure), I do think that it was something we both needed.
In fact, I think you said that.
You said lots of things.
I think all three of us got something we needed at some point over that time. But it turned out for me it wasn't the thing that I thought.
No matter what happens I will always remember the time you text me at 2.30am to see if I was still up. Of course I was. I always am. You called to see if you could come round. You'd just finished work and you were having some kind of stress induced panic attack. When you got to my flat you said that you couldn't think of anywhere you'd rather be when you're feeling like that than with me.
I will never forget that because it was a fucking beautiful moment.
We've had a few of those really.
It's because I'm an open book to you. You understand me more that anyone else ever has. No matter how much they've claimed to understand me they haven't. You do. It's scary really. But I like it.
Another moment I'll never forget is the time I was laying on your bed cry and talking about what a car crash I was. You rolled over, held my face, looked at me and said 'you're not a car crash, you're so fucking human and it's beautiful'.
That really is one of those things that stays with you forever.
You did say that you were going to show me I was wrong.
You were going to prove to me that everything could be okay.
It took me a while to trust you. But I do trust you and I really hope you're right.