_lauren_

last night i was convinced someone was in my flat. i heard them come up the stairs. but no one was there...

i had thoughts about how i exist in the wrong era. it's too bright and fluid. i prefer subtle, muted and rigid.

i also kept thinking about the summers that i spent in holland. two in particular.

the first was the summer that i spent in gouda. that huge house that john squatted. sleeping on the floor. the first and only mosquito bite i've ever got. because of the heat and my skin tight jeans it turned into a huge hole in my leg. i still have the scar.
eating king prawns and party sauce constantly.
waking up in the morning and depending on the weather deciding where to get a train to and explore.

the second was in amsterdam. and i've spent a stupid amount of time there but i think this one was the best. staying in a tiny flat (the whole thing was about the size of my bedroom now) above a sex shop on zeedijk.
just down the street was a chinese temple. i visited every morning.
sleeping with the window open. listening to all the dramas unfolding throughout the night outside.
getting caugh in the downpours while i was over on the other side of the city. everyone would be sheltering in doorways and i'd walk through the city, soaked to the bone with a smile on my face.
i love the rain.

the rain we had in leeds on thursday and friday was amazing.
i went out into the garden at about 2.30am on friday in my underwear.
it was great. as great as anything can be at the moment anyway.

right now i'm curled up on the sofa in my living room. laptop in front of me. phone and new book at the side. 'the agony of ecstasy by olivia gordon'. how amusingly relevent.
i can smell cigarettes and i find it oddly comforting. i'm listening to whiskeytown.

Let your tears fall and touch my skin
Then your thunderclouds could rage and wail

Got sixteen days
Got a bottle and a rosary
God I wish that you were close to me
I guess I owe you an apology

i've been too busy and too tired recently.

i need to shower and tidy some.
the things that i've been putting off in favour of daydreaming.
tomorrow, back to work. visit the doctor. make some phone calls. daydream more. book flights. buy some more film.
i need to get a scanner.
*yawn
i have no interested in this so called real life anymore.

side note - nhs. i hate you. i'm waiting for two referals. a psych eval and some behavioural therapy. i could wait forever. i need to eval to get things that i need. things that might work unlike what i'm not now! argh. rage. whatever.