I keep fluctuating between the extremes. I'm feeling out of balance with myself and can't focus on a damn thing.
I am more than hurting
she left me in a fucking cloud of dust just as quick as she got here. It's made me rethink a lot of things like her motives for moving to california with me in the first place I'm just lost and confused. I don't know what to do next.
I read her journal today and she's all happy pappy and acting like nothing happend. I feel like a fool for letting her in and opening myself and my home to her so that when she "got on her own two feet" she could leave me. (she's always wanted to live in cali and i was her way in).
But there's more to her and i know it. I've experienced her softer sweeter more vulnerable side. I know deep down she's a great person.She's funny, witty, beautiful, warm hearted, and just an all around fun person. Maybe part of the reason she left was out of fear. Fear that she actually could be happy with me. Fear of committing to love.
I Don't even know. I'm just trying to make sense of the situation so I can stop feeling angry about it. I'm viewing all sides.
I do know that she just has to stop acting on impulse because in the long run she's only going to hurt herself.Taking a risk is one thing, but hurting people who care about you along the way is not the way to go about things. It's really fucked up.
I still love her but right now i resent her.
I don't even care whether she reads this or not.
This has been a fucked up week for me to say the least.
I've been meditating because my energy is so out of balance and this is not good for my mental health. I've been thinking of calling her but then I think of what i feel and decide against it.
But I loved who I was and the way i felt when i was with her. And no one's ever touched me or kissed me the way she did.
I've managed to thoroughly confuse myself with this entry.
I am more than hurting
she left me in a fucking cloud of dust just as quick as she got here. It's made me rethink a lot of things like her motives for moving to california with me in the first place I'm just lost and confused. I don't know what to do next.
I read her journal today and she's all happy pappy and acting like nothing happend. I feel like a fool for letting her in and opening myself and my home to her so that when she "got on her own two feet" she could leave me. (she's always wanted to live in cali and i was her way in).
But there's more to her and i know it. I've experienced her softer sweeter more vulnerable side. I know deep down she's a great person.She's funny, witty, beautiful, warm hearted, and just an all around fun person. Maybe part of the reason she left was out of fear. Fear that she actually could be happy with me. Fear of committing to love.
I Don't even know. I'm just trying to make sense of the situation so I can stop feeling angry about it. I'm viewing all sides.
I do know that she just has to stop acting on impulse because in the long run she's only going to hurt herself.Taking a risk is one thing, but hurting people who care about you along the way is not the way to go about things. It's really fucked up.
I still love her but right now i resent her.
I don't even care whether she reads this or not.
This has been a fucked up week for me to say the least.
I've been meditating because my energy is so out of balance and this is not good for my mental health. I've been thinking of calling her but then I think of what i feel and decide against it.
But I loved who I was and the way i felt when i was with her. And no one's ever touched me or kissed me the way she did.
I've managed to thoroughly confuse myself with this entry.
you know my number if you really want to talk even if it's till 3am.
It's pretty cut and dry from what I read. You're in the first and hardest stage of adapting to a change I think.
Sorry if this is none of my business but you did post your feeling on SG after all. Hope it all works out Dude.
[Edited on Apr 14, 2004 10:53PM]