_felix_

Finally.

he messaged me this morning...what he said is actually irrelevant and brief...I think mainly he was just trying not to alienate me completely.

I'm not sorry I've had my sobbing fit over this though. I have to deal with the fact that I am a distraction to him. I might be a distraction he really enjoys, but I'm a distraction none the less...and if he's trying to focus on something else he's going to avoid me a bit...because he's told me in the past that he has little control around me and I suck him in. My sorrow is still dealing with my position on the sidelines. but that's what I signed up for...I knew what my position would be when I signed up for this. I knew it would hurt...but I guess maybe I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt...or how much I really want him.

anyway..sounds like some of his business is drying up which probably means less travel...it maybe be quite a while before i can see him again...and I guess that's good. I'll have time to decide if I can handle it...though if he beckons to me...I know it will be hard to say no. I don't know. I know the answer is obvious...we should end it. and I'm sure we will...we can't do this forever, it's not fair to anyone. But as to when and how, I don't know. We both have already done things we initially agreed we wouldn't do. all bets are off...it just has to play out at this point

I just don't know.

but I'm done thinking about it for today.

So any way, somebody tell me something good!

I'll tell you something good...the English Beat (I don't think it's al the original member though) is playing this weekend in my city with some other cool bands, so i think I'm going to have to go check that out!