_fatalist

I've been trying not to look back on my life as of late. The past year saw a lot of pain and struggle that still continues today. It's hard for me at times not to focus on the negative or even the past. I am trying to change those ways. I constantly look at my father, who in all rights should be a source of strength and support, and see how weak he is. I see myself reflected in him, in the unchanged me. I dont go to him for answers. He has none. If I decided not to change and better myself, I would be him in 26 years. Change is good, but hard.

I have a really hard time letting things go. The recent wave of holidays deffinately took its toll on me. I don't feel stronger having survived them. I feel weak, and nearly defeated. My heart is well guarded now. I no longer want companionship as badly as I once did. I am learning to be alone and learning to accept that fact as a possibility for the rest of my eternity. It still hurts, but at least the blood is starting to cuagulate.

I have been trying to find new friends in my co-workers, but only one truly stands out and feels "real" to me. So I think I'll just cut my losses and go with it. We went out on Saturday to the Whaley House here in San Diego, and took a bunch of pictures. It was fun, but cold. Our first forray into "friendship".

I've also been thinking a lot about who I am now. Here I am, nearly 31 and I have nothing to show for it. I'm a total fucking loser right now. I've barely started my "life" and have fucked up and lost it all. ALL.