_fatalist

i hate being sick. Bronchitus and a sinus infection hand in hand. I have amoxicillin and an albutorol inhaler. Fun.

Today, I've been taking my st. johns like a mofo. Hoping that every so many hours when i take 2, that it subdues my sadness, anger, hate, whatever. I feel a sort of middleground right now, but still angry. I feel for whatever reason a lot of anger. Just hate being lonely. Want something or someone to love me and take my mind off what could have been.

Yesterday was the first time I truly felt like wanting to die. Both my kids dont want anything to do with me. My youngest, whenever he's around "mom", will run from me and get all anti me. The older, when he saw me at his awards assembly on Friday, gave me the biggest frown and look of disgust. It really tore at my heart. I didnt let it show at all to him, but it really fucked with the rest of my day. So, me being Mr. Negative, all I could think about was the fact that I have kids that hate me, and I no longer have my ex. So who do I have? Nobody. I couldnt stop crying, and I honestly just wished something would happen to where I die. Still feel that way today. Just hate this point in my life.