_elichrusos

If I wake up at night with heartburn so bad I can't help crying and you're awake watching television, do you think you could have fucking driven me to the service station instead of making me walk, half asleep, in the dark?

You're called a clothes-dryer, not a clothes-in-an-aqueaous-solution-suspender. I hate wearing damp clothes to work.

You don't own me. Best you remember that, or I'll go. Just like I did before.

Please don't make your waitresses clean the windows with turpentine at the start of a busy day. My head feels all wonky.

Here's a tip: If you want a Chai Latte, it's often important to use the word Chai in some part of the ordering process.

Here's another tip: If you want your Eggs Benedict without sauce (at which point they're typically called "Eggs" but whatever, the phrase "eggs benedict without sauce" is more likely to get you the desired result than, say "eggs benedict, scrambled". Incedentally, if all five of you are this stupid how can your company afford a corporate lunch?

Statistical evidence is clear. When I need to get up at five (did you know they have one of those in the morning now?), I will be attacked by noisy air conditioning, hearburn, mindnight service station terror, horrid loud american television, obnoxious (if desperately beloved) rain and possums. Fortunately, unhealthy starting times mean I leave before the harpy in my house wakes up. Why does "Balance in all things" only seem to apply to five in the morning?

Cards are progressing nicely. Readers are reminded that if they want smutty valentines day cards they needs to send me your name and address. The next undeclared single digit number of entrants will received an individual piece, but there are limits to my love.

Get in now!


Mourning has broken; I need a new profile picture. Suggestions that don't involve my person are welcome. (Suggestions that do involve my person are also welcome, provided they aren't for my profile picture).