Tuesday Feb 06, 2007

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I think I'm on the verge of a nervous fucking breakdown. I even rescheduled from seeing my shrink today. It would probably just make things worst. I just wanna cry and have someone tell me it's gonna be ok. God forbid that happens.

Instead I'm here crying my fucking eyes out like a dumb ass all by my fucking self. At this stupid fucking computer. Damn I wanna break something so bad. Or punch a fucking wall, but I think I will refrain. These stupid pills for anxiety don't fucking work anymore, I'm tired of being fat and pregnant. Everything fucking hurts, I can't even sleep at night, my new bed is TOTALLY uncomfortable and still, I'm stuck in this fucking house with nobody to talk to cept the fucking SG boards. Good god what have I become. I'm so fucking miserable right now it's unreal. I know it could always be worst blah blah blah, but right now, this is hard enough on me. Please SOMEBODY SEDATE MY ASS!!

Oh yeah, I became single today. As you faithful readers know, this is definately a hard moment for me, but for everyone else, I'll spare you. I'm copying Argentum's move and making the detail a spoiler....

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Wes called again. Of course after I told him I couldn't be accepting his calls from ISF, they're too expensive. He asked if I got his letter, which I did btw, and it was pretty fucked up. And I told him so. He asked how I was doing (like he really gives a fuck or something) and I told him about these stupid pills, how I got my room setup, w my twin and my new bed is totally uncomfy ect. He says, "well I'll be out soon enough to get us a place." I responded with, "well we'll see." Go figure, starts a conversation about us. I said how I can't be babysitting him and what not, worrying if he's tweekin behind my back ect... he STILL had the nerve to tell me he didn't behind my back (he has confessed to me before). Said he trusts me with everything, I simply responded with, "yeah but I haven't gotten high and then kept it from you. I haven't given you a reason not to trust me." Then the words I've been needing to say finally came.


"I can't be with somebody that I can't trust when it comes to that stuff."



Just saying it was a relief. Such a relief, I don't even remember what his response was. Probably something like, "Oh yeah, it's like that?" I know for sure he told me that I was fucked up [for doing this] but it really didn't phase me. He asked me if I had talked to his gma about paroling there... I told him I had talked to his sis and his aunt, and they say she will say no. *That was the reason he called, I'm sure but of course he's gonna act like he wanted to "hear my voice and see how I was doing"* Well, that's that. I think I got threatened though.... "Well, I'll see you when I get out" *click* I was hung up on.



Wow. Just typing that whole thing made me feel alot better. I know I made the right desicion but, fuck does that shit make me stress mad I hope he doesn't call anymore. I don't think I'm going to accept it. As a matter of fact, I'm not. I don't even know if I'm gonna send him a letter when the baby is born. Should I? What do you all think... is that too mean? I want to, don't get me wrong, but I just don't wanna get him started again at that time. I will have enough going on. I don't know, maybe I will just cross that milestone when it comes.... Sorry guys, another bitchin blog. Tough.

VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
disposableargent:
*HUGE HUG*

*GOOFY FACE*

*SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE PIXIE FEEL BETTER*

oh honey...you will get through this stronger than you have ever been...and end up with a new love of your life.

Just hold on beautiful...your almost there.

♥

Arg
trauma:
Aww hun...anything I can do for you? smile

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