_catalyst_

think i'm getting a job and i don't even have to go looking ha. i sent my resume in response to 2 craigslist ads and one called me back. it's a coffee kiosk 12-7 m-f. easy! i just hope it's close or it won't be worth it! what's wierd is that i've already talked to this same woman about a job before, only i can't remember when or what happened with that, oh well it can't have been bad or she wouldn't have called me again!

oh, i changed my resume. since i don't care too much what position i get, i put this:

OBJECTIVES:

To enrich the lives of others

To improve my quality of life

To use my skills and gifts for the success of my employer and myself

To aquire new skills and knowledge and use them creatively

this is a perfect time. shawn and i have barely been talking except to figure out necessary arrangements (moving, dinner) or to fight. We had a talk last night. We both feel unappreciated and used. No good!

I told him, "dude, i don't give a shit if you pay for me or not. i'll make i either way. i'm really sad that it's come to this. we're arguing because of money. i told you the first time i was gonna move out that i didn't want you to get bitter. i told you i wasn't gonna work much while in school, and i told you i want to start school ASAP. so why are we doing this?"

(by the way what's up with my switching between capitalizing and not?)

anywho. i told him i feel like as long as i fuck him he's happy, he'll do anything for me, but if i'm not into it he gets pissed, and i don't like that. it's not a trade. basically we got that shit off of our chests and feel a lot better. we cuddled all night and actually kissed goodbye this morning.

we didn't have makeup sex though. this bothers me. i really am not horny right now. i get turned on in my head but it just doesn't connect to my pussy. what's up with that?

i'm confused. i don't think shawn and i are right for each other,...... and i do.

we've only had good sex on and off, and awesome sex a few times. that's not good enough for me.

but we've got loyalty, respect, love, trust, similar interests, similar sense of humor, comfort, my family loves him and vice versa...all very important things.

__________HA my foot is asleep and it feels like a huge statue foot.

anyway, i think i keep pretending that we'll be able to stay together blissfully as long as we can find a way to have our sexual needs met by others...but that's not going to work, is it?

man, oh man. i guess i'm gonna have to ask him that. exactly like that.

looks like i'm gonna either

a)keep my car, live in it, and start school here ASAP, and work nights, and take A LOT of 'crack pills' (GNC's total lean)

or b)get rid of my car and all my shit, buy a ticket to san fransisco (AFTER monster massive--i need one more rave with my rave buddies! *tear*), start school there, live who knows where, and work nights, and probably still take a lot of crack pills!

EITHER way, i'm excited!

know what would make me even MORE fucking ecstatic? if my plp decides she wants to move up there with me come new years!!!

ahhh, for some reason i feel so relaxed now. i was all hung over from shawn's parents' anniversary dinner (well technically the HUUUUUGE margaritas) but now i feel refreshed.

i'm ready to go tackle my shit for the day.