I cried myself to sleep last night. We're talking hysterical sobs like kids do.
I somehow got myself into this funk and felt really alone and insecure. I kept thinking Shawn didn't care about me anymore and why did I throw away what we had. I just kept thinking the breakup wasn't worth losing my best friend. Then I started on how I don't have any best friends anymore or any family.
Then I got REALLY depressed over my lil brothers. I miss them so much but I don't know if they are rejecting me because of the big stink about my abortions/sexuality/etc with my mom. I'm afraid to go up there to visit. I don't want to deal with the huge helpings of guilt they like to dish out. Then I got depressed about the way they're being raised--they get left alone all day (not literally-you can't be alone with seven kids in the house) to wander around, eat junk food, play computer games and watch movies. Some homeschool education huh!
Yah so that sucked. The whole time I was trying to figure out how to turn my thoughts around into something positive. I didn't find a way. I cried out in my head to my spiritual guides for some comfort. Then Shawn woke up and was really sweet--totally unexpected given his attitude toward me the past few days. He was holding me and telling me he loves me and being his old self. At first that made me cry harder.
What is that, when you get some comfort you feel worse before you feel better? Is it that you give yourself permission to sink as low as you can because now you have someone to pull you out of it?
Whatever. I feel better now. At least he hasn't disowned me like I thought.
***************************************************
Time for happy notes now!
~I like this symbol. It reminds me of a lizard tongue.
~As soon as I can get ahold of them I'm going to tour a hair school I'm probably going to attend. Hopefully I'll be signed up next week! SQUEAL!
~One of my goodest friends is going to school with me! Yay! He has awesome style like me and it's gonna rule having him with me for encouragement and smoke breaks!
~I have all weekend off!
~Tomorrow night through Sunday I'm going to a BIG FAT LONG FOREST RAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To me, this is the news of the month. I looooooooove these parties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~And I'm goin with my married best friends--kinda my old skool rave buddies--they never get to go coz Rachel can't get time off, but not this time motherfuckers!
~And we're all gonna be sober! YAY no more wishing we hadn't wasted the party with lame drugs and feeling like shite the next week! well, we may drink some beer but that's the us--how do you spell the short for usual? The ush? No. Oh well.
~I have enough money to pay my car payment even with my wage garnishments!
~My debt consolidation is being worked out right now! Which means next check I'm gonna feel so rich actually getting all of my money!
~I am gonna get my hair cut. I NEVER put my hair in someone elses hands but this chik Adam got his hair did by did and awesome job on his mullet/hawk for fifteen bucks and she's good with a razor so bring it on! I'm gonna dye it too probly next week. This is fun. I love my hair but I love changing it to somehting funner too.
~I'm learning all about skin from this book I got by Dr Perricone. This guy is smart. He has figured out that aging and skin problems are symptoms of inflammation--meaning you've got to heal them from the inside out. That's what I've been screaming since I've been researching the primitive diet vs the western diet! I bet I can absorb as much info from a lil book as an esthetician gets in 9 months! I can't wait to have perfect skin again. These pregnancies have really fucked with my hormones.
~Speaking of pregnancies, my belly is almost completely flat again thanks be to jesus! And yoga. And pilates.
~I get to work with Fatima, this rad Italian new girl tonight. We make the bomb team and are becoiming friends pretty fast. Yay for quality people!
~I've decided to take my friend who ditched me at that rave at 3am in the ghetto off of the bootsy list. He's gonna get a lecture on how this is his last chance, but I miss that fucker so I have to give him one more chance, ya know?
~My period's almost gone. Hooray for my white panties!
I somehow got myself into this funk and felt really alone and insecure. I kept thinking Shawn didn't care about me anymore and why did I throw away what we had. I just kept thinking the breakup wasn't worth losing my best friend. Then I started on how I don't have any best friends anymore or any family.
Then I got REALLY depressed over my lil brothers. I miss them so much but I don't know if they are rejecting me because of the big stink about my abortions/sexuality/etc with my mom. I'm afraid to go up there to visit. I don't want to deal with the huge helpings of guilt they like to dish out. Then I got depressed about the way they're being raised--they get left alone all day (not literally-you can't be alone with seven kids in the house) to wander around, eat junk food, play computer games and watch movies. Some homeschool education huh!
Yah so that sucked. The whole time I was trying to figure out how to turn my thoughts around into something positive. I didn't find a way. I cried out in my head to my spiritual guides for some comfort. Then Shawn woke up and was really sweet--totally unexpected given his attitude toward me the past few days. He was holding me and telling me he loves me and being his old self. At first that made me cry harder.
What is that, when you get some comfort you feel worse before you feel better? Is it that you give yourself permission to sink as low as you can because now you have someone to pull you out of it?
Whatever. I feel better now. At least he hasn't disowned me like I thought.
***************************************************
Time for happy notes now!
~I like this symbol. It reminds me of a lizard tongue.
~As soon as I can get ahold of them I'm going to tour a hair school I'm probably going to attend. Hopefully I'll be signed up next week! SQUEAL!
~One of my goodest friends is going to school with me! Yay! He has awesome style like me and it's gonna rule having him with me for encouragement and smoke breaks!
~I have all weekend off!
~Tomorrow night through Sunday I'm going to a BIG FAT LONG FOREST RAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To me, this is the news of the month. I looooooooove these parties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~And I'm goin with my married best friends--kinda my old skool rave buddies--they never get to go coz Rachel can't get time off, but not this time motherfuckers!
~And we're all gonna be sober! YAY no more wishing we hadn't wasted the party with lame drugs and feeling like shite the next week! well, we may drink some beer but that's the us--how do you spell the short for usual? The ush? No. Oh well.
~I have enough money to pay my car payment even with my wage garnishments!
~My debt consolidation is being worked out right now! Which means next check I'm gonna feel so rich actually getting all of my money!
~I am gonna get my hair cut. I NEVER put my hair in someone elses hands but this chik Adam got his hair did by did and awesome job on his mullet/hawk for fifteen bucks and she's good with a razor so bring it on! I'm gonna dye it too probly next week. This is fun. I love my hair but I love changing it to somehting funner too.
~I'm learning all about skin from this book I got by Dr Perricone. This guy is smart. He has figured out that aging and skin problems are symptoms of inflammation--meaning you've got to heal them from the inside out. That's what I've been screaming since I've been researching the primitive diet vs the western diet! I bet I can absorb as much info from a lil book as an esthetician gets in 9 months! I can't wait to have perfect skin again. These pregnancies have really fucked with my hormones.
~Speaking of pregnancies, my belly is almost completely flat again thanks be to jesus! And yoga. And pilates.
~I get to work with Fatima, this rad Italian new girl tonight. We make the bomb team and are becoiming friends pretty fast. Yay for quality people!
~I've decided to take my friend who ditched me at that rave at 3am in the ghetto off of the bootsy list. He's gonna get a lecture on how this is his last chance, but I miss that fucker so I have to give him one more chance, ya know?
~My period's almost gone. Hooray for my white panties!
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
~i like the lizard tongue thingy too