_catalyst_

This morning I came out and my boi was looking at some nasty gaping ass porn (actually I think the title of the page was 'Gaping Anal" or something lol) and he closed the window all fast and acted like he was doing something else.

WTF? Like I'm your mom and I give a shit if you get off on some nasty shit like that?

At least I look at my porn here in the open.

So that was it. I decided that even though I'm piss-scared to break up, it's got to be addressed. And I wrote him this email. I don't know when or if he gets it, but this is what I wrote:

I don't want to bring this up. You're my best friend and I'm scared of us not being close anymore.

The thing is, I don't feel like we are close anymore. I feel like being together is actually driving us apart. I don't want us to resent each other or feel stuck.

Why are we together? I know I love you more than I've loved anyone before. I know you love me. We have things in common.

I feel that you are not happy with me. I know it's because of sex. You are so happy and lovey if we're fucking but if not you get distant and grumpy.

I haven't been wanting sex much lately, which is fine with me but not with you. Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe partly the fact that I'm scared of pregnancy. Maybe the fact that we have to use some stuff that I'm unfamiliar with and thinking about that ruins the moment. Maybe because I don't feel that great about my body right now.

We obviously have very different sexual interests. To find common ground that isn't boring would be a challenge for us. If we haven't stepped up to that challenge yet in two years, are we ever? It would take a conscious decision and effort.

I'm afraid to break up. I'm afraid of the changes in circumstance and in our friendship. I don't want to break up.

But when I come out of my comfort zone I feel bad because it's not fair to stay together if you aren't happy.

Basically it's up to you. I love you and I want you to be happy, with or without me.

****So that's it. I might be getting a breakup, a move, poverty, and a new job for Christmas.

(Because if we break up I can't afford rent so I'll have to rent a bunk bed in the little boys room at my parents, therefore I have to get a new job because that would add another 25 minutes to my already half hour drive to and from work and fuck that)