_catalyst_

i need to find shoes that don't hurt my feet.
shoes for work, shoes for the gym, shoes for play..
every pair i own i can't wait to take off after ten minutes.
my right heel is constantly bruised. i try to tiptoe when i'm at home to stay off it.

i feel pressure to find something to do with my life, some mission or passion.
i'm 26 and a half.
so far i've wanted to be a model, a motorcycle mechanic, a shrink, a writer, a hairstylist, and a million other things that weren't it.
fall semester starts in a month and a half.
my boi is going back for his engineering degrees.
i want to learn too!
but what?
can't i just be a lifelong student without a focus?
if i were born wealthy that's what i'd be for sure.
just go to school for whatever i fancied learning. forever.

i'm soso grateful to be living paycheck to paycheck.
what? that sounds backwards, right?
not really. last year when my boi opened a business and made close to zero income,
and i was searching for a job for over eight months,
we had to borrow money every week just to survive.
we sat in the dark when our electricity got shut off.
we'd go without eating.
everything was so stressful, there was hardly any joy in life.
thank goodness he left and went back to working with his dad making decent money.

last night his ex business partner came over
and i could see how continuing on in the venture has taken its toll on him.
he just seemed... broken.
he ran out of gas on the freeway twice in the last week because he didn't have money to put in his tank and had to call people to bring him some.. "silly me, i forgot" type thing..
my heart just goes out to him..
i know how that feels.. in fact we three went through it together last year..
and i was beyond breaking point by the time we had two incomes again..
so i really feel for him, not only bein without his partner but going another six months only to want to close shop.. having to move back in with his mom (i've done that twice)..

the great thing about america is, anyone can start a business,
the bad thing is, anyone can. even people who aren't ready or don't know how.

although, sometimes you learn to win better by failing first..

anyway.

i'm supposed to get my first full two weeks worth of tips from my new job today.
everyone's been saying that i will make a lot of money here, which remains to be seen,
so i have hiiiiigh expectations for this envelope full of cash i hopefully will receive today.
i need to make twice what i was in order to break even.
and much more if i intend to get out of debt, get a savings plan going,
and oh yeah- all those fun things like tattoos and clothes and camping and traveling!

i have been in an extremely lonerish mood lately. every day off i think about going out and exploring the world..
but i end up staying at home, keeping myself company with my own thoughts.
maybe i should accept my antisocial tendencies rather than guilt trip myself for not being with my friends at every opportunity.
i was watching this thing on isolated prisoners.. and they were talking about humans needing a certain amount of social interaction to remain balanced..
what if each of us requires a different amount?
and i wonder if it relates to people being in general low, medium, or high energy?

i'm sad that cricket is leaving. a lot of jewels are taking off from this site. there are a lot remaining of course, but i don't feel the same sense of community i felt when i first joined in 02.

man, i've been on this site for six years on and off?? i have definitely gained a ton of insight and inspiration from my time here.

i feel like a broken record but, i have sooo many tattoos i want to get.
i want to get six spaces on my calf filled up.. i know what i want in four of those..
i want my angel touched up to look like a vibrant lady again.
i want my stars touched up and my script added.
i want my elbows done.
i want my left forearm piece done.
i want my grampa's plane done.
i want my bro 'yak' tattoo done.
i want my right half sleeve done.
so yeah. that big fat envelope stuffed with an indecent amount of tips should help with that.
hopefully i'll be starting to cross things off that list next week. i'd start tomorrow but i cannot get tattooed and then go to work. i'm too much of a pussy. then i'm busy all weekend. so wait i shall. pooh.


i also can't wait to be able to take five days off to visit my fam in idaho again.
it's like camping being up there in the wilderness.
and i've been craving the comforts of home and family tremendously.
i guess it makes sense, we are in cancer right now.

i miss having a group of interchangeable friends around who feel like a second family.
i miss having a house big enough for more than one person to be comfortable in.
i miss having peeps to watch funny shows and movies with.
i miss having my family to watch any kind of movies with.
i miss my mom and sisters to watch chick flicks with.

my fingers smell like aussie hair spray from doing the boi's hair. i washed them a few times and they still smell. now i can't pick my nose without considerable annoyance. haha just thought you needed to know that.