_catalyst_

I'm teetering on the edge of ok and depressed.

I really want to be in the best shape I can be, yet I get dizzy, sick or exhausted when I try to exercise and this will continue for two more weeks.

I really wanted to be all toned and hot for Halloween, and now I'm going to be fat and flabby and I'm just not even stoked about dressing up at all anymore.

I might just not dress up and get some tattoos instead. That would make me feel a lot hotter than wearing some slutty costume.

But I still want to go to Tim's, even if I don't spend money on a costume. I can come up with somethin cheap easy and cheesy.

I'm also trying to decide if I want to go try and get MediCal to pay for my abortion.

They've paid for the last three. Last time they didn't seem to want to approve me.

It's really a miserable place too. I hate the vibes there and watching all the stupid mothers with their litters of kids living off the government while I'm doing the responsible thing and being made to feel small for it.

And plus it usually takes a couple of weeks going in and taking in paperwork and waiting for hours etc and I've only got a week or so..

BUT we could do a lot of shit with that $400..Like I could reward myself with some clothes and tats...

Hmm maybe I'll suffer through it for that..

I'm feeling like I want nothing more than to move forward with my life, and everything in the world is trying to hold me back.

I just want to be healthy and mellow and productive. Why does that seem to be so complicated for me to attain?

I feel really alone right now.

I guess I just need some inspiration and encouragement. Or some pills. Ha.

I know everything is going to be ok, and I'm going to feel better, and we'll get our shit paid, and I'll get into school.. it just doesn't feel like it right now.

Thanks for listening.