Monday Oct 24, 2005

0
Well, I'm just a big pussy aren't I.

i spent a week (ok longer than that) giving myself all the good reasons to leave shawn.

then i spent the next week backing out of it.

now i am royally confused.

i want to be free. i want to live my own life the way i want to without answering to anyone else. i don't want to be in a relationship.

but i want to keep one of my best friends. i do love shawn a lot. i love many things about him.

no, i'm still not sexually attracted to him. but having someone to cuddle with every night, having someone who always wants to see me, who always wants to make me feel good, who will do anything for me...

he's said over and over that if i leave i leave for good. he won't speak to me.

so here i am, wedged snugly between my rock and my hard place.

i want freedom. i want lust. i want travel. i want raves.

i also want security. love. best friends. an anchor.

god, what do i do?

i keep thinking that eventually he's going to snap and want it to be over because of the lack of sex... it hasn't happened yet (we've had sex once in the past two months). but maybe it will. then we can end it with a mutual consensus, right?

but then again i feel like i'm living a lie.

if i don't see an 'us' in the future, why am i here still now?

because it's so hard to let go. because i'm scared of losing one of the people i care about most and who cares about me the most .

because i'm scared i'm gonna lose my plp to new york, and then who will i have?

exactly. no one. unless i have shawn.

well, i've been honest with shawn about my lack of a sex drive. he still wants to stay together.

i honestly think i would have to cheat on him, lie about it, and get caught for him to think of dumping me.

i'm not gonna do that. i won't have to. if it's a girl he won't protest. if it's a guy i'll tell him first.

soooooo i guess we're goin to monster massive now.

i'm excited, but kinda wierded out that everyone is going but rachel and jeremiah.

oh well. it's so strange how much i put into those friendships, and now they're over. for lame reason, too.

sometimes i feel that life is like one big sand castle bulding contest. you never know when the waves will hit, or how high, or in what place, but you know they will.

some people spend all their time on one magnificent creation. some wander around scratching their names in the sand. some prefer to watch smugly as the waves claim others' castles, glad they didn't build one.

there's nothing wrong with any of those approaches, is there? the waves will keep coming, the sand will uncover and dry out again. the cycle remains.

until it doesn't.

so, the plan of the day?

let things happen.

tell the truth.

especially to myself.

maybe i'm not completely happy in a relationship.

maybe i'm not completely unhappy either.

but the goal is to be happier, right?

if you don't know something, the best way to find out is to experiment.

i know what it's like to be with shawn. i know what it's like to be 80% happy.

maybe the only way to raise the bar to 100% is to let it fall to nothing again. to let go of what i know.

so why is it so hard?

because i'm afraid it will never raise again.

i guess that's my next fear to conquer.



8stars:
okay, i was like that once in after a year in this one relationship, but still unded up dating them for 3 years! after that, whomever i was dating i cheated on them if i had the chance because i ended up having regrets from that last relationship. a cuple yearsago i dated this girl for a year, was happy but there were times that i questioned the relationship either because i thought it could be a little better, or i met people who i thought werte so awesome and i wished she was too. she was good enough that if i thought about it working out it could've ,but i knew i'd always be wondering what if? we broke up and i met someone amazing. i still am friends with the other ex too, it was hard at first obviously because of the feelings, but time heals wounds. so ask yourself, are you gonna always be thinking what if? move on because you will always wonder or wish it until you meet someone else. besides if you guys love each other as you say you do, you will always be there for each other eventually. unfortunately prepare yourself for the worst scenarios of hurting him and you feeling like a horrible person, but to me it sounds like you must move on . just like you said, i felt 80% happy with the one girl and felt like crap when i dumped her because i felt she was the only one in the world who gave a shit about me and then i kill her emotionally. it was horrible. but until you find that 100%,and i feel i did, you are always gonna be wondering what if and/or you're gonna cheat on them...which might be easier by making them hate you for a long time, but you will be friends again..it just won't be as the same if you leave him now before you cheat on him! trust me! if you value him but you know what you feel you need in your heart, leave him now before you hurt him more eventually. i hope this helps..
corkscrew:
I know EXACTLY what you mean.

But, I know it in my life, not yours. I know H*e, not Shawn. So I really can't give you any advice. All I can say is- this sucks, huh?

I'm moving soon, and very much in love, but at the same time I know there might be something else out there, and I don't want to risk not knowing what that something else was because I was too insecure to pursue it. But then at the same time I wonder if I'm insecure at all, or if I'm just aware that my boyfriend loves me and is awesome and that this is hard to find. I don't know. I don't know.

The sex thing though, I have been through that. I had a boyfriend a few years ago, very long term relationship, and I knew I was getting over it when I didn't want to have sex anymore. That was the beginning of the end. I'm not saying it's the same for you, but when we got to the point where we hadn't done anything for a few months, I knew it wasn't the type of relationship I wanted. If you can MAKE yourself be attracted to him, great. If you can't, good luck making it last. It's hard to not be attracted to your partner, and you might have to consider whether or not that's something that'll ever change for you.

I don't know if any of this helped, your entry just really got me thinking. Let me know how things work out, and good luck.

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