Sunday Oct 23, 2005

0
Well,

now T wants to move to new york and i'm second-guessing leaving shawn, of course.

i really seriously doubt i'll ever want to move there.

it's gonna take a lot for me to want to visit.

i don't want a boyfriend though.

i love shawn, love hanging out, love learning from him.

don't love fucking him.

that's reason enough, isn't it? i want to be fair.

i'm wanting to drag it out... wanting to ask him if he can handle a relationship without sex, wanting to wait til i'm financially more secure or til he figures it out.

but man, i'm sick of thinking about this! i'm sick of feeling guilty, like i'm using him. like he's the one i should be telling my feelings to first, but ti's backwards.

god, i'm dreading this.

but i need to learn to be my own anchor.

right now this is hard for me because i'm holding on to shawn, letting his roots support me.

how will i ever grow into what i'm supposed to be unless i let go, get carried by the wind, trust that my landing will be on soft, rich soil?

i have to do this.




psydragon:
If you love him then set him free.I know it sounds cliche but in this case its completely true. In doing so you will free yourself. Right now you are afraid of losing what makes you feel comfortable. But feeling comfortable does not nessisarily make one free or happy. You both have learned so much from each other...
But in some relationships, there comes a time when you have learned all you can, loved all you could,and still feel like your path leads elsewhere. Once you start feeling this that period of your life ends and another begins.
Before a new day can dawn however, you need to make peace with your boyfriend and with the inner turmoil within yourself. Stop procrastinating. If you allow fear to take over you will never grow and achieve what you want to.

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