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Portland

Member Since 2005

Followers 49 Following 75

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Sunday Sep 30, 2007

Sep 30, 2007
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I did the Stumptown Indie Comics fest thing today. Good to see a few people I haven't seen in a long time, good to pick up some reading material, good to just get out of the house.

I've been in a miserable mood lately. Its not seasonal, I love the rain. I think these past 9 months have just decided to rear their ugly head and slap me in the face, then continue to kick me while I'm down. I'll get over it in time. Its just lame. I have no desire to do anything. I've been sitting here for hours hoping something will happen.

HOURS.

In that time, I've recieved one text message, and a headache. I would like to go down the street to the bar, but I don't see the point. I don't like any of the people that go there, and I'll be alone. Not like thats stopped me before, but this time it is and I think thats when I know I'm depressed.

UGH FUCK.

Maybe I should just go buy a halfrack from the scary MLK / Fremont Chevron and drink until I pass out.

The only thing I have to look forward to is work. I think thats why I am depressed. I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. Its all just routine bullshit, and I get to do it all-by-myself. I guess thats what nearly a decade worth of a relationship will do to you. When its over, you've got a decade of recovery to do.

UGH FUCK FUCK.

I guess what I really want is someone to talk to, and no one will talk to me when I need it. I've always been the one who's the good listener, the shoulder, the whatever.. but when its time for me to need someone, nobody can make themselves available. I want to meet new people and do new things, but I have no idea where to start. I've tried the net, I've tried making myself familiar at new places, I've tried dating (that was short lived) and I've tried just to wander around and follow my gut into new situations.. all leading right back to the same set of results. I get home and still have nothing to show for it. In a few short months, I'll be on this path 1 year. A YEAR. I've tried to affect change for myself. I've done a few things I'm proud of, but it really amounts to trivial bullshit.

I wish I knew some people around here. All of my "friends" live in SE or Beaverton. Nobody I want to hang out with lives within walking distance. My closest friend is on NE 24th and Broadway. I love my neighborhood, but I don't know anyone here. I have roomates, but they're not my friends. They're just people I happen to live next to and see sometimes. I really need to find a place around here that I can just go to and not do anything but chill-the-fuck-out. I don't really have that. I have to go into downtown, and I really don't like going into downtown without an agenda.

fuck..

I think I might go reclusive for a few weeks, stop drinking for a while and just try to reset my brain.

Anyway. I didn't originally intend to make this a rant-er-ific post, but I did. I'm on the verge of tears and I hate it. This is bullshit.

I can't wait to be me again. I need an excuse to get the fuck out of here, and I have none.

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