This weekend my friend Catherine told me she admires me for dealing with my recent breakup so well. It's strange to hear something like that when in reality I don't think I'm dealing with it so well. At least I am doing much better than I was when I was still in the relationship.
When I was convinced I was a piece of shit because of the way I was being treated, I felt suicidal. The things I found out that led me to end our relationship would have definitely made me feel suicidal. They sort of did, for the first few days, until it really sank in and I fully realized that I didn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment. Anyways, it's been kind of sad to have my friends checking up on me because they know about my past suicide attempts and are worried I won't be able to handle this.
If anything, learning how badly I was being treated actually made me realize that my friends were right, my ex was not, and I am a decent person that doesn't deserve to feel suicidal. The problem is, I am not dealing well. I've been very irresponsible lately, and I don't want to continue doing that. I don't want to be pitied anymore, and I think the only way to get myself out of the situation I'm in is to be diligent about doing what I know is good for me. I need to be good and study when I'm supposed to, finish my assignments, and take care of myself. I haven't eaten two whole, consecutive meals in one day since everything hit the fan about three weeks ago. I let myself drink way too much this weekend, and last week, and neither of those things are going to help me one bit.
So, I guess the whole point of this embarrassing journal entry is that I now have one month left until the end of the year, and my birthday, and I feel like I need to make it something I can actually celebrate. I don't want this year to be the same as the last five. I want to be happy again, in the sense that I want to live in a way that keeps me happy, not a way that will let me slide back into depression. I just want to get as much as I can out of this mess.
When I was convinced I was a piece of shit because of the way I was being treated, I felt suicidal. The things I found out that led me to end our relationship would have definitely made me feel suicidal. They sort of did, for the first few days, until it really sank in and I fully realized that I didn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment. Anyways, it's been kind of sad to have my friends checking up on me because they know about my past suicide attempts and are worried I won't be able to handle this.
If anything, learning how badly I was being treated actually made me realize that my friends were right, my ex was not, and I am a decent person that doesn't deserve to feel suicidal. The problem is, I am not dealing well. I've been very irresponsible lately, and I don't want to continue doing that. I don't want to be pitied anymore, and I think the only way to get myself out of the situation I'm in is to be diligent about doing what I know is good for me. I need to be good and study when I'm supposed to, finish my assignments, and take care of myself. I haven't eaten two whole, consecutive meals in one day since everything hit the fan about three weeks ago. I let myself drink way too much this weekend, and last week, and neither of those things are going to help me one bit.
So, I guess the whole point of this embarrassing journal entry is that I now have one month left until the end of the year, and my birthday, and I feel like I need to make it something I can actually celebrate. I don't want this year to be the same as the last five. I want to be happy again, in the sense that I want to live in a way that keeps me happy, not a way that will let me slide back into depression. I just want to get as much as I can out of this mess.
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i hope you have a wonderful day.........
i thought my life was in the shitter....an then just now, it got better....a slight rain of hope emerged from this song....an touched two ppl together....nursesugar
here goes:
How glad the many millions of Annabelles and Lillians would be to capture me
But you had such persistence, you wore down my resistance
I fell and it was swell
I'm your big and brave and handsome Romeo
How I won you I shall never, never know
It's not that you're attractive but, oh, my heart grew active
When you came into view
I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie
All the day and nighttime, hear me sigh
I never had the least notion
That I could fall with so much emotion
Could you coo? Could you care?
For a cunning cottage we could share?
The world will pardon my mush
'cause I have got a crush, my baby, on you
<Hackett on trumpet-variations on first verse>
Could you coo? Could you care?
For a cunning cottage that we could share?
The world will pardon my mush
'cause I have got a crush, my baby, on you
good night grrl.