christ, i can't even have a career. i'll be lucky if i'm able to get thru any type of college. i have to live off veteran's assistance because i'm fucking worthless & broken. pre-army issue i was able to get all but 1 class of my associates degree done in 5mths... i.q. of 165. the most gorgeous memory ability.... vision, smell, touch, every moment of my life memorized & could pull it back up at the slightest whim to reread thing, look at places, listen to stuff.... now, i can barely function... i'm worthless. huge hopes, huge plans, huge ability. a terrible year & now i'm 26 and can never look forward to even holding a long-term day job let alone a career.... i'm so fucked. i lose days, i've lost huge chunks of my life... memories are just gone... my short term memory is fucked to all hell.....
even when i take my medicine like a good little girl, i can never be truly self-supporting again. it's just not an option no matter how hard i keep working on it every day... i was able to do so much, now it's a big fucking deal if i bath on my own sometimes.
if turned myself in the direction of trying to put this aside... to take the "free time" i have now & try to enjoy life in a different way & ignore that the only reason i can is because i'm essentially a worthless, futureless person. i'm focusing on traveling, seeing new things, trying new things...
things that i'm sure other people would say "well shit, shouldn't you be thankful you CAN go & do these things and have your bills paid w/disability?"
yes, in theory it sounds good.... but there's such a huge, painful difference between supporting yourself & getting to go and see things.... and getting to see things because you can't support yourself.
i'm thankful for the good side. very thankful. immensely thankful.
but it's humiliating to have no future prospects. i'm not 40,50, 60, 90 & looking back at my life wishing i'd have done this or that.... i'm 26, at an age where i'm supposed to be trying to get started & figuring out which path(s) to take or at least try out....
London was a wonderful trip that i cherish the chance for... but i *had* to take photos & video, not just wanted to. as quickly as the next day -while there- i couldn't remember what i'd seen or done the day before.... now i already forget that i've ever been there.... i had to sit & think a bit today because i couldn't tell for a bit if i'd gone or was still just planning to go because i had no memories of it. i *had* to take video/pics because i can't remember it....
i stayed in a great hostel w/interesting & friendly people in my age range 19-35 roughly.... and in talking with them, i had to smile through the repeated friendly questions of "are you a student?" "so what are You studying?" "what do you do for a living?" "are you on vacation?"....
it's amazing how painful it is to be asked about these things...
i'm at the beginning of my life & i'm not going to go anywhere.
and please, no one say the typical "oh, but you don't know that! " or "yes, you willl!!!" comments, please. i appreciate the intention, if you were thinking of it, but it's really not appropriate and is more hurtful than help.
it's not about being a quitter or giving up... i think that'd be easier, more comfortable... it's a problem of being a striver w/the ability to succeed being taken away from you...
i'll be better & ignoring it again tomorrow probably, tonight it just got to be too much again....
even when i take my medicine like a good little girl, i can never be truly self-supporting again. it's just not an option no matter how hard i keep working on it every day... i was able to do so much, now it's a big fucking deal if i bath on my own sometimes.
if turned myself in the direction of trying to put this aside... to take the "free time" i have now & try to enjoy life in a different way & ignore that the only reason i can is because i'm essentially a worthless, futureless person. i'm focusing on traveling, seeing new things, trying new things...
things that i'm sure other people would say "well shit, shouldn't you be thankful you CAN go & do these things and have your bills paid w/disability?"
yes, in theory it sounds good.... but there's such a huge, painful difference between supporting yourself & getting to go and see things.... and getting to see things because you can't support yourself.
i'm thankful for the good side. very thankful. immensely thankful.
but it's humiliating to have no future prospects. i'm not 40,50, 60, 90 & looking back at my life wishing i'd have done this or that.... i'm 26, at an age where i'm supposed to be trying to get started & figuring out which path(s) to take or at least try out....
London was a wonderful trip that i cherish the chance for... but i *had* to take photos & video, not just wanted to. as quickly as the next day -while there- i couldn't remember what i'd seen or done the day before.... now i already forget that i've ever been there.... i had to sit & think a bit today because i couldn't tell for a bit if i'd gone or was still just planning to go because i had no memories of it. i *had* to take video/pics because i can't remember it....
i stayed in a great hostel w/interesting & friendly people in my age range 19-35 roughly.... and in talking with them, i had to smile through the repeated friendly questions of "are you a student?" "so what are You studying?" "what do you do for a living?" "are you on vacation?"....
it's amazing how painful it is to be asked about these things...
i'm at the beginning of my life & i'm not going to go anywhere.
and please, no one say the typical "oh, but you don't know that! " or "yes, you willl!!!" comments, please. i appreciate the intention, if you were thinking of it, but it's really not appropriate and is more hurtful than help.
it's not about being a quitter or giving up... i think that'd be easier, more comfortable... it's a problem of being a striver w/the ability to succeed being taken away from you...
i'll be better & ignoring it again tomorrow probably, tonight it just got to be too much again....
schleprock:
That all sounds very tough. Hopefully you feel better in a while. Hnag in there.
