melvina

s'ok about yesterday, it was weird all about.
i didn't sleep till round 7 yesterday either, or today. and now. i'm sitting here. with blackness under my eyes. and a shadow against the wall behind me. and it leaves me feeling. some what. creepy.
perhaps, perhaps you can get home for thanksgiving, eh? surely so. your parents will come get you. and you can always fly into LEX and i can come get you, my car MIGHT make it that far... i'd be quite willing to try. talk it out. it might be easier for both us of to be in the same locale, you are right so. let me know if i need to be screaming at andrew.
sigh. i swear. i am going to have to send you a coffee pot. i'll be looking.
let me know about the tats babe- i understand the not wanting to leave the house thing. i feel that way too often these days except leaving the house is the only relief i get some times.. haha... so sad. i feel better when i am NOT in my own home..
ok.. rant over.. sorry. tired. fed up. waiting for you. oh. and pining. pining. a lot. <3

hey beck?- i don't remember if you work tonight but. i can't find the pic you sent of the very last sketch of my chest piece. it was. all of it together but not REAL detailed. and i wanted to show the artist i'd like to do it. to get an eta on time and price. etc. just. in case. it gives me some thing to do- because. i'm home for break from work and it's been quite a day and really, it's been quite. a month. i'm more than just a little mad and it might help to take my meds again but really.
i don't want to.
hrm. more later. back to the grind and thinking of you. <3

bah. can't sleep. been watching "the wire", 1st season dvd's. (rhys = addicted. me = ammused.) so i had a bunch of odd dreams pertaining to that. mostly with me and rhys in them. i think we were selling drugs. not sure. meh. the tone was the same. danger, will robinson; danger. going to the store to pick up some things for another ritual. did one today and it went well. got some of my strength back, at least. i'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. call me before you go to work, i should still be up. i'm going to try to take a nap this afternoon, and then i'm going to a show tonight. but. do call. hope all is well on your end. love you muchly. very muchly.
-beck. <3

rawr, would have updated last night except for a blinking cable light and then i just got tired of messing with it-
and you know. i haven't been able to sleep lately, either. not that i was ever very good at it, but even with help.. heh... i still can't manage it quite well. and then, once i am there, there are the dreams. so. fucked from either end, eh? just.lovely.
i watch the wire here at the house and think.of.you.and.rhys. and the dogs.
there are strange noises coming from the front of my building. i should call you now before i head into work. more later. madlove.<3

i forgot to tell you that i dreamed someone had jules. and had me by the neck, by the locket.
beck, is it just this time of year?

gods. more dreams last night. and i can't get through on your phone. but. i thought of that. last night, i was riding my bike around. because i tried to do. some things. but didn't have the strength to hold on. and i thought. or it came to me, rather. that night at goat's house, when the mirror broke. maybe something came through. or... i don't know, but mel. it's something. the time of year, yes, but... it's something more than that. and in the dreams, i can't find her. but last night that man. or thing. was there. and at the end, we were holding her coat, and it had bullet holes through it. i need to talk to you. i'll be home all day. i can't get through on your phone, for some reason. but it's serious. there's... something. i don't know. something. but call. and be careful. it's getting stronger.
love. beck.

just woke up. again. weird dreams. i think someone is trying to trick us. be careful. there was a man with a hole in his cheek. it looked like a pock, a little dip, but it spiraled deep and it was a hole. he kept being in my dreams. except i didn't see him until the last one. but. it was odd. i can't explain it. but be careful. he was after us. i beat him in the dream. but then i had another one, and he was after you. and i woke up, before i could warn you. be careful. something is going on.

i dreamed of it when i was there, after seeing goat. betrayal, deep. makes me wonder. i'll keep an eye out. i've been having the odd sort of dreams as well- nightmares. meh. let me know if you see any thing else and. like wise. <3

i wish i really could do anything. but, actually, i have very little qualifications for any sort of job. not much for the beck to do. so. i am going in to work tonight, and then. i will decide. i am going to try to work less, maybe. or whatever. as long as it isn't 3 nights in a row. i can't do it. it's killing me. i fucking hate it. but since i have to go there in a couple hours. i should stop bitching. and suck it up. i'll call you tomorrow or tuesday... love you.

hm. maybe he can split up your schedule, babe- to.. move days a week, less hours. he's such a fucko, though, who knows... i hope you can work some thing out.
i'm home from work on break. meh. THE SAINTS WON TODAYS GAME, though and i was happy and thought of you. and cheered as much as i could. you know. on the inside.
so now.. my hands are so cold i can barely type and i've got to find some smokes, so more later.. i'm off tomorrow. i'll call then or you call me. and ask troy if he feels like getting married. har.
har. <3 madlove.

just ate mcdonalds. so i am sure i will be sick shortly. but. it was so delicious... i don't want to go to work tonight. i feel spacy, like things are slowly coming apart. disintegrating. it's the time of year, i know. from now until february it will be like this. and it will get worse... it's just now coming on. but it's not terrible. i'll be a little mad, but i'll be able to see things. it is worth it, i geuss. anyway, i am going to wait until rhys goes to work, and then go get some coffee. bleh. yeah, i know i need a new coffee pot. but. whatever. i'll talk to you later, my head's still not right yet.

love you. more. than anything.
beck.

your head and mine today, eh? meh. i've been seeing and hearing things. more than that.. it's still the chants that goat sang into my head but more. i think willie nelson is my familiar in dream. ha. HAH. NOT EVERYBODY GETS TO TALK TO WILLIE IN THEIR SLEEP.
i am special.
and i am insane. my aunt is in and i had lunch with the uncles this morning and my aunt says. mel. we really must talk. CALL ME.
and to myself, i think. HMM? what could this be. (probably not grand since it's coming from her.) and what do you know. i call my mom. ask her wtf is up. and.
my aunt wants to give me the it's-time-to-get-on-with-your-life speech. AS IF THIS WERE THE RIGHT TIME OF YEAR TO GIVE THAT TO ME.
anger.
ANGER.
and as if that weren't enough. farmer's mom caught me at wal-mart this morning and decided to start in on the. it's-not-the-kid-in-the-trucks-fault-cause-i-know-the-mother BLAH BLAH BLAH. i hate them all. this is not the right time. there will never be a right time. i will never go on with my life. i will never recover. and who would. after losing some thing like her. some thing like jules.
sigh. beck. to hell with them. and to peru with us. i'll call you after the weekend. i hope it goes all right. tell all i said hello for me, will you? and. stuff.
mad. mad. mad love, baby.
<3

Ok i want to hang out with you too.

OF COURSE YOU DO. snicker. beck and i are just. perfect together. mu ha.
and beck. you know. i've been thinking that i need more short skirts too. the plaid sort. the weird sort. so. i'll find what i can find. and what is too small for me i shall send to you. etc. i believe we crave them because together, we are fiercely hot in skirts that show our lovely collective of legs.
i haven't gotten any thing final on the dallas thing- i do know though, that i want to try and find mike at obscurities to get my chest done. BIG MAYBE. if you have time to finish it and still, there is the money thing, so- we'll see.
but now. you know. THE BIRDS. the ones every tattooed chick on earth has on their chest? yeah. some time, beck. i'll need a wicked rendition, by none other than you. i was thinking about that today because there are some on my shirt. they remind me of daddy. and. i want them below each breast, like... over my ribs. mm. i want too much.
sigh.
dad and the brothers are getting together tomorrow before i go to work- so. i have to try and get myself sleepy. i'm going to have lunch with the uncles tomorrow and it will eb grand.
here's thinking of you, babe. <3

so the library shit is official, no?

meh.

you need to move, anyway. to be closer to me. yes, yes indeed.

but i am glad you finally have a picture up as proof of your hotness. now people can stop taking my word for it and see for themselves. bwahaha.

i was just at the new coffee shop on oak street. the one i was going to try very hard not to like, because it's a tipical thing that people like us should like. but. i. failed... plus, it is somewhere to have coffee that is not so bright and i can draw and people (mostly leave me alone. refills are only 75 cents. which is good. because i get a lot of refills.

i am so glad jules is with you... i had a dream the other night and you were both there, and there was this weird pack of wolves (except they were cartoon wolves, like that show on adult swim... odd indeed.) that was maybe the day after you left, i don't know, it all blends together.

before i write a novel i am going to go. need to check some ebay auctions. you convinced me when you were down here that i need more short skirts. i don't know how. you. just. did.

i love you more than anything, i'll call you later tonight.

-the beck.

BWAHAHA. and here i have pictures. mad mad love, babe. if you don't call me, i'll be calling you. <3

I LOVE MY HOBBY! yar.

Why thank you very much