hello everyone
hope all is well =]
just wanted to talk.. or something
things have been a bit rough for me for the past few weeks. i dont know if you all remember this, but it is what started this whole thing, in my opinion.
i am a bit of an exhibitionist, and i have always been fine around people, even if i didnt know them, as long as there were people around that i knew, i was fine.
that seems to no longer be the case. if i have any time to think about, and observe my surroundings (usually when naked, but often when i am just dressed in a "hot" outfit) i get very uncomfortable and want to go find a dark quiet place to hide. it is a very strange feeling for me, as i have not felt that way in a long, long time.
this weekend we went to a party, which was fine for the most part, until Tom was suspending another girl, and i was left alone to my own devices. i tried to distract/amuse myself by practicing some knots in a small length of rope, but i got bored with it quickly.
on the way home Tom asked me what was wrong. i told him i just dont feel like myself lately. i had already mentioned to him a week or so before about how i feel around people i dont know when i am in a more vulnerable situation (about wanting to hide)
He offered up a thought. he said that maybe the encounter with the creepy guy was the first time i had really felt, and acknowledged something of that sort. (though he said it better and in more words) which got me thinking... yeah.. it was the first time i had really had a reaction to something like that. all my life i have done my best to ignore it and not let it get to me. this GOT to me. and it got to me bad.
it took just about everything i had to not flat out bawl all the way home. as it was a number of tears were shed, and tears come to my eyes every time i think about it.
its overwhelming just how much hurt, sadness, anger, and fear i have held inside all my life. just shoved it away and forgotten about it. i cant do it anymore.
its a very heavy feeling in my chest. i want to get rid of it.. let it out.. but i just dont know how.
last night at dinner we were talking about things, and i started tearing up a fair bit. i told him i hate crying, that i always fight it, even if i want to cry.
he looked at me and asked me what the first words were on my profile (on FetLife)
i paused and said "crying is not a sign that a person is weak, it just means that they have been strong for too long"
the next thing i know he has tears in his eyes too.
that quote is far too true to me.
but i dont know anything different. ive always been strong. ive always had to be.
i dont have to be.. but i dont know how to not be..
that is all...
anyway, leaving for seattle wednesday night. i will be free on thursday and friday during the day, so anyone in the area let me know if you might be up for meeting up or something.
the man burns in 75 days!
hope all is well =]
just wanted to talk.. or something
things have been a bit rough for me for the past few weeks. i dont know if you all remember this, but it is what started this whole thing, in my opinion.
i am a bit of an exhibitionist, and i have always been fine around people, even if i didnt know them, as long as there were people around that i knew, i was fine.
that seems to no longer be the case. if i have any time to think about, and observe my surroundings (usually when naked, but often when i am just dressed in a "hot" outfit) i get very uncomfortable and want to go find a dark quiet place to hide. it is a very strange feeling for me, as i have not felt that way in a long, long time.
this weekend we went to a party, which was fine for the most part, until Tom was suspending another girl, and i was left alone to my own devices. i tried to distract/amuse myself by practicing some knots in a small length of rope, but i got bored with it quickly.
on the way home Tom asked me what was wrong. i told him i just dont feel like myself lately. i had already mentioned to him a week or so before about how i feel around people i dont know when i am in a more vulnerable situation (about wanting to hide)
He offered up a thought. he said that maybe the encounter with the creepy guy was the first time i had really felt, and acknowledged something of that sort. (though he said it better and in more words) which got me thinking... yeah.. it was the first time i had really had a reaction to something like that. all my life i have done my best to ignore it and not let it get to me. this GOT to me. and it got to me bad.
it took just about everything i had to not flat out bawl all the way home. as it was a number of tears were shed, and tears come to my eyes every time i think about it.
its overwhelming just how much hurt, sadness, anger, and fear i have held inside all my life. just shoved it away and forgotten about it. i cant do it anymore.
its a very heavy feeling in my chest. i want to get rid of it.. let it out.. but i just dont know how.
last night at dinner we were talking about things, and i started tearing up a fair bit. i told him i hate crying, that i always fight it, even if i want to cry.
he looked at me and asked me what the first words were on my profile (on FetLife)
i paused and said "crying is not a sign that a person is weak, it just means that they have been strong for too long"
the next thing i know he has tears in his eyes too.
that quote is far too true to me.
but i dont know anything different. ive always been strong. ive always had to be.
i dont have to be.. but i dont know how to not be..
that is all...
anyway, leaving for seattle wednesday night. i will be free on thursday and friday during the day, so anyone in the area let me know if you might be up for meeting up or something.
the man burns in 75 days!
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
mrbubblewarp:
<333
pax_:
I hope things get better for you. *HUG*
