okay
so
first week of fall term 2010 is done with
i was able to get back into all my on campus classes, but not the online one..so thats lame.. but im still full time so its okay i guess...
got the financial aid stuff in, but dont know if or when i will be getting assistance.. my mum had to pay for my classes in full today
im still sick but feeling a little better.. hopefully sleeping in will do me some good..
got some new specks.
silly pic just now.
this is a friends only blog for this reason.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
my cousin and her hubby visited for 4 days this week from scotland. my cousin acts a little weird about some things, and my mum was talking to her and never got why she behaved certain ways when she visited her in england etc.
my sister was talking to her and she said something about our uncle touching her inappropriately. my sis told my mum who could not believe her brother who she has looked up to for forever, could do such a thing.
she comes to me, and tells me and asks what i think.
this is something i had never before said aloud.. only typed to close friends etc, and even so i never went into detail. i have a few hangups with intimacy due to this...
i told my mum, i wouldnt be surprised if he had done something to her... and then tell her what he did to me when i was very young (my mum reckons i was 5, 6 and 7 years old, though i do not remember what my age was, only that it occurred over multiple summers of him visiting..
he made me touch him, he touched me, he had oral sex with me (a child) he rubbed the head of his penis on my vagina, to the point of ejaculation. (i can think of 6 locations on our property where this sort of thing happened off the top of my head)
my mum was horrified. it hit her hard to hear this..
she cried herself to sleep.
she keeps calling me her precious girl (today)
she is super pissed
she wants to hurt her brother
she said when she was listening she was thinking "police mode dont overreact" but then thought, hey, this is my little girl.... fucker
the man she looked up to, she now only sees as a filthy sexual deviant. she does not consider him a brother
ive help this in for years. to the point now, i know it was a terrible thing, but its behind me in that respect, though there are some.. hangups, as i said earlier..
dont really know what to think of all this..
i want him to pay. to know that he has not got away with it.
but hes an 80 year old man in poor health, so its almost like, whats the point he is going to be dead soon anyway.
i dunno
its been an odd week
my mum never ever even had an inkling that her brother would do that, i could see it hit her like a ton of bricks. she cannot believe that ive held it in for so long. i told my past partners, thinking maybe it would help them understand. i dont know that it did.. but either way those are in the past now too.
meh
on a lighter note, a dear friend of mine has a set in member review as of last night. she is very kind and sweet, and has been there to talk to. i hope you all go leave her set Attuning The Goddess lots of love
my friend is:
Cadavre
shes a kind soul, and i am very happy to have met her, i am very sad that she is moving north around the same time i am moving south. so ill be in cali, and she will be in washington. =[
hope everyone is well
cheers ♥
Hexx
Hows your day?
You made the best choices and decisions you were able to make. You may have been forced to make life-or-death decisions before, during, and after the assault. Even if you feel you would make a different decision today, whatever you did at the time was okay.
There is no right way to feel or to heal. Your reactions and your healing process are connected to who you are as a person. Your culture and economic background can influence your healing process in both negative and positive ways.
You deserve support. Reach out to whomever you think can be a support person to you. You may decide to find a support group, or try other kinds of healing support based on art, music, writing, physical activity, or meditation.
Believe in your strength and your capacity to heal. While the process of healing may take time and may be difficult, you will find ways to reclaim the strong and capable parts of yourself.