So it turns out he wasn't mad because of jealousy. He was just slightly upset because he got his hopes up about what would happen at/after the party that night, and I didn't live up to his expectations. I made up for all that last night, though.
Anyway, thanks for all of your comments on my last few entries. All the advice is really helpful... its good to hear from other normal human beings out there who have experienced similiar life experiences being able to clearly analyze all the things left blurred by mixed emotions in my life. Yea, so we ended up fucking last night. Woop-de-woo. It's really hard for me to get "into" sex, esp the way he'd like me to. I find sex to be a fascinating trial of character. We all go about our everydays existing behind a mask of whomever we have made ourselves out to be. Some people are hidden more than others, but no one really lets their true self out there 24/7. We're trained not to... it wouldn't really be "appropriate" most of the time anyway.
But then it comes to sex... the only part of life where you can really let go and just be yourself-- maybe it comes naturally to some people (uh- no pun intended)-- but it's very very VERY hard for me. I can go on and on thinking about sex, fantasizing, watching porn, living in a world of incredibly hot, passionate sex inside my head... but when it comes to reality, I freeze up. I mean.. I'm not like- stiff as a board. But it's still all an act for me. It's kind of like when I go to voice lessons...
*goes off into analogy world*
I love to sing more than (mostly) anything in the world. It is the way for me to say what I need to say to the world. However, I need to be in control of what I'm communicating. My problems in voice lessons have always mainly been about this control. All my voice teachers have convinced me that I do have a pretty singing voice in there- somewhere. It's just that after years and years of growing up hearing my mother comment on how my voice wasn't good... and then having her praise any belty/brassy voice on broadway soundtrack or high school performance, I kind of have this idea implanted in my head about a certain way I have to sound. --Or at least, I have an idea about a certain way I SHOULDn't sound. So when I sing, I end up pushing the sound through my nose, clenching my jaw- basically tightening up. So there is all this air that I've finally learned how to support that wants to EXPLODE... but something in my brain says "NO... you can't let it out. You can't allow yourself to be that vunerable. If you let it out and it doesn't sound good-- then there is no more hope."
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I close my eyes and sing much freer than I ever could when others are around. But I can't do it when anyone is home. I can't do it when anyone is listening. I have to be in control.
Ironically, when the analogy relates back to sex, I would have to say that I'd rather *not* be in control. This leads to another problem with the sexual compatiability between my bf and I. We're probably too much alike (?) for our own good. When he mentions the things he wants from sex... it sounds like the things i want. Why? Because we're both insecure people. For us to get off, we need to feel wanted. He once said to me that he really wants another girl to "use him" to get herself off. When I think about it all, I realize that I have this fantasy in reverse. So last night... we experiemented a bit. Well, it was experimentation for me... I'm sure he's done whatever he's doing a million times. But-- he blindfolded me (which he's done before... which i like) and then had me be "on top." Which... was okay... i mean, long before that I was on top just teasing him for a very long time. Don't get me wrong, I love to lick his body and make him feel good. It's just that when he's lying there and I'm doing all the work-- it getes.. i don't know... less interesting. I want to give him pleasure, but as much as he had me turned on in about the first two minutes of foreplay, i was feeling by body fall asleep during the next however many minutes of fooling around. Maybe it's a female thing... maybe it's a ME thing... but my body just needs to be involved. I had this same problem w/ the girl I dated this past summer. She said she wasn't good at "multi-tasking." I have to give my first gf credit.. our relationship may have been beyond help, but we had fucking awesome sex. We just... understood each other in that way. Maybe because we were really each others firsts and we took that time to explore each others bodies properly. And we both WANTED to give. Okay, so she wanted to give more than I did... but that made me want to give back more. Does that make sense? I wanted to make her feel good because I believed that she really wanted to make me feel good-- for whatever that was worth.
But now that i'm having sex with a guy... now that all this mystery has been unraveled, I know what could be improved and I don't see it improving-- at least not w/ Chris. I think he's trying... I mean, i can't blame him. It's my fault for not talking about it. He wants to know what I like during the process. He asks me. I think these things in my head but I can't bring myself to blurt them out. It would kind of ruin it. I came up with (yet another) analogy in my head for this last night, appropriate to my bf's career.
I thought he'd understand it if I praised it all the following way, but I didn't dare completely verbalize my metaphorical statement in fear that he'd respond with another "that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard" comment. Anyway... I realized that sex is like a magic trick. There are a lot of technicalities to it that need to be rehersed over and over again to get it right... but in the end, in order for it to be enjoyed, the participant cannot see how the card gets from the top of the deck to the magicians back pocket. The audience member should not have to instruct the performer how to do the trick. When it comes to sex... both people are magicians in the most magicial act allowed by nature. I mean, orgasms are incredible. They are made to be one of the greatest feelings in the world because whoever created us decided they needed to give the human race good reason to want to procreate. So--
Maybe it's just me. Maybe we just need more rehersal time and I should give in and say exactly what I want. But I don't even KNOW exactly what i want. What gets me off? Knowing the other person wants me. Having someone all over me, inside me, clenching my skin, pinching my breasts... I guess that's why i like the "boring" missionary position over many of the others that put the male and female as far apart from each others body as physically possible while allowing for the actual act of penetration to happen. I want to be CLOSE to someone.... okay, not someone. I want to be close to him.
Someone left a comment in my last entry asking whether I want to hold "him" or I want to hold "someone." I really do want to hold him, specifically. As much as he seems to tear me apart emotionally, there are still a thousand things about him that make me feel wonderful. Okay... so when we're with other people I feel incredibly inadequate. I have nothing to talk about with him. Everyone else seems to have something to say to hold his interests... I end up putting on a show... the only way I can be even remotely interesting (for better or worse.) Me, myself and I are so plain. boring. I even think I've lost the creativity that had once made me special. So... it's kind of hard... to take all of that outside stuff and throw it out the window once we are alone.
I couldn't just fuck anyone. I wouldn't want to. He doesn't believe that I'm sure, and I guess it bothers me that he probably would think I'd easily screw someone else. I'm sure it bothers him that sometimes I think he'd easily be able to fuck another girl. It bothers him even more that I say that I wouldn't really care. Would I care? Umm... I'm not sure. i'd be hurt... but on the whole i'd be okay. I just want him to be happy, and if that would make him happy, then I'd be-- well-- happy.
I don't know anymore. I want to enjoy this sex stuff. I don't want it to turn into a chore where I feel bad if it doesn't happen. I don't want to feel like if we don't have sex or fool around for a while, then we might as well not be dating. He probably wouldn't mind not having sex for a while if I said i wanted to slow down... but it would be another story if i said I wanted to stop all forms of sex (ala oral sex) for a while. And even if I did say that.. I know it wouldn't happen. I'm too damn horny for my own good.
wow- this entry is going to be really long. I wonder if anyone is going to read it all. hah-- i bet not. Well.. I'm not writing this for everyone else. In fact, I probably shouldn't be writing this on here at all. But-- ya know-- if someone does happen to read it and feel like they can relate to either side of the equation in anyway, i'd love to hear any words of wisdom (other than shoot yourself now you insane ho.)
Oh... anyway... last night when he finally got the hint that i was more into "being controlled" than "being in control", he might have fucked me but (once again) my entire body wasn't involved. At times, I felt like I could easily fall asleep. *shh. don't tell him I said that.* You know, he'd be offended beyond belief if I ever let him know that. I'm sure most guys would. And... i wouldn't be surprised if he feels that way when I'm doing stuff to him. He just wouldn't say it. He has more tact then that.
He says he's into the s+m stuff... yet generally he wasn't too rough with me. When it comes to the actual penetration I'm not into the pain... but i don't mind a little pinching here and there.
(that reminds me.. my first gf was convinced that pinching gave you cancer. That certainly put a damper on our sex life until I had about 5 people tell her that she was imagining things.)
My nipples are weird. They aren't all that sensitive unless touched in a certain way- either really softly or real hard. Uhhmm... So i can sit there and not feel anything as he is trying his all with his tongue. if he's really into the s+m, why can't he just... I don't know... why can't he just really fuck - ALL- of me?
I can't believe I'm writing all of this here. I guess I'm insane. or frustrated. Or frustrated to the point of insanity. That's all I'm going to say for now.
Anyway, thanks for all of your comments on my last few entries. All the advice is really helpful... its good to hear from other normal human beings out there who have experienced similiar life experiences being able to clearly analyze all the things left blurred by mixed emotions in my life. Yea, so we ended up fucking last night. Woop-de-woo. It's really hard for me to get "into" sex, esp the way he'd like me to. I find sex to be a fascinating trial of character. We all go about our everydays existing behind a mask of whomever we have made ourselves out to be. Some people are hidden more than others, but no one really lets their true self out there 24/7. We're trained not to... it wouldn't really be "appropriate" most of the time anyway.
But then it comes to sex... the only part of life where you can really let go and just be yourself-- maybe it comes naturally to some people (uh- no pun intended)-- but it's very very VERY hard for me. I can go on and on thinking about sex, fantasizing, watching porn, living in a world of incredibly hot, passionate sex inside my head... but when it comes to reality, I freeze up. I mean.. I'm not like- stiff as a board. But it's still all an act for me. It's kind of like when I go to voice lessons...
*goes off into analogy world*
I love to sing more than (mostly) anything in the world. It is the way for me to say what I need to say to the world. However, I need to be in control of what I'm communicating. My problems in voice lessons have always mainly been about this control. All my voice teachers have convinced me that I do have a pretty singing voice in there- somewhere. It's just that after years and years of growing up hearing my mother comment on how my voice wasn't good... and then having her praise any belty/brassy voice on broadway soundtrack or high school performance, I kind of have this idea implanted in my head about a certain way I have to sound. --Or at least, I have an idea about a certain way I SHOULDn't sound. So when I sing, I end up pushing the sound through my nose, clenching my jaw- basically tightening up. So there is all this air that I've finally learned how to support that wants to EXPLODE... but something in my brain says "NO... you can't let it out. You can't allow yourself to be that vunerable. If you let it out and it doesn't sound good-- then there is no more hope."
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I close my eyes and sing much freer than I ever could when others are around. But I can't do it when anyone is home. I can't do it when anyone is listening. I have to be in control.
Ironically, when the analogy relates back to sex, I would have to say that I'd rather *not* be in control. This leads to another problem with the sexual compatiability between my bf and I. We're probably too much alike (?) for our own good. When he mentions the things he wants from sex... it sounds like the things i want. Why? Because we're both insecure people. For us to get off, we need to feel wanted. He once said to me that he really wants another girl to "use him" to get herself off. When I think about it all, I realize that I have this fantasy in reverse. So last night... we experiemented a bit. Well, it was experimentation for me... I'm sure he's done whatever he's doing a million times. But-- he blindfolded me (which he's done before... which i like) and then had me be "on top." Which... was okay... i mean, long before that I was on top just teasing him for a very long time. Don't get me wrong, I love to lick his body and make him feel good. It's just that when he's lying there and I'm doing all the work-- it getes.. i don't know... less interesting. I want to give him pleasure, but as much as he had me turned on in about the first two minutes of foreplay, i was feeling by body fall asleep during the next however many minutes of fooling around. Maybe it's a female thing... maybe it's a ME thing... but my body just needs to be involved. I had this same problem w/ the girl I dated this past summer. She said she wasn't good at "multi-tasking." I have to give my first gf credit.. our relationship may have been beyond help, but we had fucking awesome sex. We just... understood each other in that way. Maybe because we were really each others firsts and we took that time to explore each others bodies properly. And we both WANTED to give. Okay, so she wanted to give more than I did... but that made me want to give back more. Does that make sense? I wanted to make her feel good because I believed that she really wanted to make me feel good-- for whatever that was worth.
But now that i'm having sex with a guy... now that all this mystery has been unraveled, I know what could be improved and I don't see it improving-- at least not w/ Chris. I think he's trying... I mean, i can't blame him. It's my fault for not talking about it. He wants to know what I like during the process. He asks me. I think these things in my head but I can't bring myself to blurt them out. It would kind of ruin it. I came up with (yet another) analogy in my head for this last night, appropriate to my bf's career.
I thought he'd understand it if I praised it all the following way, but I didn't dare completely verbalize my metaphorical statement in fear that he'd respond with another "that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard" comment. Anyway... I realized that sex is like a magic trick. There are a lot of technicalities to it that need to be rehersed over and over again to get it right... but in the end, in order for it to be enjoyed, the participant cannot see how the card gets from the top of the deck to the magicians back pocket. The audience member should not have to instruct the performer how to do the trick. When it comes to sex... both people are magicians in the most magicial act allowed by nature. I mean, orgasms are incredible. They are made to be one of the greatest feelings in the world because whoever created us decided they needed to give the human race good reason to want to procreate. So--
Maybe it's just me. Maybe we just need more rehersal time and I should give in and say exactly what I want. But I don't even KNOW exactly what i want. What gets me off? Knowing the other person wants me. Having someone all over me, inside me, clenching my skin, pinching my breasts... I guess that's why i like the "boring" missionary position over many of the others that put the male and female as far apart from each others body as physically possible while allowing for the actual act of penetration to happen. I want to be CLOSE to someone.... okay, not someone. I want to be close to him.
Someone left a comment in my last entry asking whether I want to hold "him" or I want to hold "someone." I really do want to hold him, specifically. As much as he seems to tear me apart emotionally, there are still a thousand things about him that make me feel wonderful. Okay... so when we're with other people I feel incredibly inadequate. I have nothing to talk about with him. Everyone else seems to have something to say to hold his interests... I end up putting on a show... the only way I can be even remotely interesting (for better or worse.) Me, myself and I are so plain. boring. I even think I've lost the creativity that had once made me special. So... it's kind of hard... to take all of that outside stuff and throw it out the window once we are alone.
I couldn't just fuck anyone. I wouldn't want to. He doesn't believe that I'm sure, and I guess it bothers me that he probably would think I'd easily screw someone else. I'm sure it bothers him that sometimes I think he'd easily be able to fuck another girl. It bothers him even more that I say that I wouldn't really care. Would I care? Umm... I'm not sure. i'd be hurt... but on the whole i'd be okay. I just want him to be happy, and if that would make him happy, then I'd be-- well-- happy.
I don't know anymore. I want to enjoy this sex stuff. I don't want it to turn into a chore where I feel bad if it doesn't happen. I don't want to feel like if we don't have sex or fool around for a while, then we might as well not be dating. He probably wouldn't mind not having sex for a while if I said i wanted to slow down... but it would be another story if i said I wanted to stop all forms of sex (ala oral sex) for a while. And even if I did say that.. I know it wouldn't happen. I'm too damn horny for my own good.
wow- this entry is going to be really long. I wonder if anyone is going to read it all. hah-- i bet not. Well.. I'm not writing this for everyone else. In fact, I probably shouldn't be writing this on here at all. But-- ya know-- if someone does happen to read it and feel like they can relate to either side of the equation in anyway, i'd love to hear any words of wisdom (other than shoot yourself now you insane ho.)
Oh... anyway... last night when he finally got the hint that i was more into "being controlled" than "being in control", he might have fucked me but (once again) my entire body wasn't involved. At times, I felt like I could easily fall asleep. *shh. don't tell him I said that.* You know, he'd be offended beyond belief if I ever let him know that. I'm sure most guys would. And... i wouldn't be surprised if he feels that way when I'm doing stuff to him. He just wouldn't say it. He has more tact then that.
He says he's into the s+m stuff... yet generally he wasn't too rough with me. When it comes to the actual penetration I'm not into the pain... but i don't mind a little pinching here and there.
(that reminds me.. my first gf was convinced that pinching gave you cancer. That certainly put a damper on our sex life until I had about 5 people tell her that she was imagining things.)
My nipples are weird. They aren't all that sensitive unless touched in a certain way- either really softly or real hard. Uhhmm... So i can sit there and not feel anything as he is trying his all with his tongue. if he's really into the s+m, why can't he just... I don't know... why can't he just really fuck - ALL- of me?
I can't believe I'm writing all of this here. I guess I'm insane. or frustrated. Or frustrated to the point of insanity. That's all I'm going to say for now.
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
ok, this is what you should do...
shit i forgot.
all this will change in time