My 5 new hobbies: 1. Wasting paper towels; 2. Casting pitiful glances at people who'll always be strangers; 3. Swallowing pills found on the ground; 4. Exacto-knifing words from unread pages; 5. Hunting humans for sport.
Bringing a dog to a restaurant that serves bacon and giving the dog a bowl of water while everyone else gnaws on greasy bacon is the height of animal cruelty. People, please don't do this. I will steal your dog. And feed it bacon until it explodes.
People! My machine is complete and I'll be traveling back in time today. Does anyone need anything? Any messages need delivering? Please don't ask for anything perishable like that peach you shared with the lover you'll never have again. Peaches never survive time travel...And besides, there are plenty of peaches and plenty of lonely people out there...
Let's be serious a moment. A little analytical. Why do we use the common phrase "lose your virginity"? Why do we not say: "When did you gain your sexuality?" This idea that we lose some mythical purity is, as everyone knows, completely bunk. What is so great about possessing virginity? Someone please tell me. I'm sure many men, like myself, perhaps a few girls, are...
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Just the other day I loaded my two newborns in the ol' station wagon and drove off, bound for the nearest dumpster. Sure they were as cute as the best looking buttons you've ever seen but I was determined to not be a father, or even a responsible adult. I ran a red light and was two blocks away from the dumpster of choice when...
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stcyr:
Youd get a far better rate of return by selling em off for medical experiments, or, if that fails - and although not the panacea its often made out to be - the circus remains a viable alternative.
O so I spent the day plucking flowers in an unsown graveyard, so I'm not quite sure how I feel. After all that was trampled, all that was broken, it was a bountiful day. Sun out, warm, breezy, the living as hungry as ever. So insatiable -- when will all these bloated people finally be full? Fortunately, they were not plucking flowers today. I perambulated...
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For Sale: One Penis. Hardly ever used. In good condition. Of average size. Easily fits in purse or small bag. Testicles included. $500. OBO.
niobe:
$500 dollars!!! I think that's a bargain! SOLD!
cotten:
Deal! The penis is in the mail.
I would like to apply for the position of Ukka's ottoman. Every girl needs, from time to time, something to rest her feet on; and what could be better than an ottoman that moves around the house upon command? Just say dear Ukka is at the kitchen table, having just finished a feast, and she doesn't feel like moving but desperately needs to put her...
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People! It's time we reconsider the whole police thing. Whose idea was it to give these blue bastards the right to give out traffic citations, anyway? Talk about injustice. Yeah, so I made an illegal left turn; but consider the circumstances. I was in the supermarket. Whenever I enter an American supermarket I get the yawns. Not one or two yawns, but nonstop yawns for...
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
stcyr:
Upon further reflection, Id like to retract the whiskey/bourbon advice - some of my most epic and embarrassing failures being inextricably linked to the same. Perhaps gin, or maybe a nice scotch?
cotten:
Yes Mountainhound, the gin & tonic is the standby health elixir - it quashes malaria and is good for the heart and brain. Not to mention the botanicals, which do wonders for the skin. (I'm sure you like to take care of your skin.) But I stand by the whiskey, particularly for anything viral. The Hot Toddy is the best cold cure available -- all that cold medicine on the shelves: worthless. Whiskey sugar hot water & cloves in a lemon and you feel like a champ. Man, just thinking about a hot toddy makes me want to go out and get myself a cold or good fever. And as far as embarrassing failures, I commit those after a pot of coffee...
Thanks for the further reflection.
Thanks for the further reflection.
Tonight, I will be watching cars burn under the 105 freeway. Should be quite a spectacle. And really, what could be better on a Friday night? White wine and mussels at a French bistro? A boozy romp in and out of several Hollywood bars? No, no. It's burning cars until sunrise...
There really is nothing better than going downtown and screaming sanctimoniously at invisible spirits. O and don't worry, you won't be the only one. In LA, the population of downtown is almost entirely filled with people screaming or preaching to invisible things. In fact, you look out of place if you aren't, in the least, having a conversation with yourself. Feeling stressed out? Tired of...
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koleeta:
In fact, today there was a man on the corner of 7th and Hope, brandishing a bible and yelling something at the sky. I think he was holding up a finger, not THE finger, just a finger, his pointer finger. So I'm thinking he was probably just letting everyone know that the bible is the number one highest selling book of all time.
Seemed pretty normal.
Seemed pretty normal.
cotten:
Haha! People sometimes forget the Bible's number one spot. Fortunately there's That Guy on 7th and Hopeless St. reminding everyone!
Now with Chile quaking, it's clear that the Earth Gods are really pissed off. If you have goats, lambs or virgins, you should start sacrificing them now. Please, for all our sakes!
iluvenis:
Hi dear thanks for your concern for my, i'm fine, a little bit scared, but fine 
up a blog with more information
lov ya!!!
up a blog with more information
lov ya!!!