cotten

I just had the first post-"death" sighting of Gary Coleman in recorded history. He isn't dead people -- he just needed to get away from the limelight for a while. Look for him to reappear in Different Strokes, the movie, in 2016....

I dreamt of my dog from childhood, Hank. Now what kind of god would let a dog have a heart attack whilst running after a squirrel and drop dead? It is completely unacceptable. Humans die and yes it is sad, but dogs? No. I propose an amendment to the laws of nature. And I propose we find this leprechaun-like god and make her agree to...
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Reason # 73 for getting married: The impossible to reach pimple that is at full pus and needs popping.

All I really want in life is a desk that's NOT made of particle wood and a girlfriend who's NOT made of plastic and air.

Why do otherwise respectable trannies in Hollywood insist upon miniskirts and thigh-exposing, cut-off blue jeans instead of nice, wholesome, full-length dresses, say with polka dots. Come on gentle(wo)men, the same muscular thighs you used so well in high school football just don't look good in cut-off jeans. Sorry. Even if they are shaved. And you were so close. So close to beauty. And please remember...
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Suicide is pretty much the same as relocating to a new town, except that town is cold and desolate, all the people are as angry and miserable as you, there's no place to get a coffee, no one selling cocaine, no soft place to lie down, and all the bottles and beer taps in the bars are bone dry.

Everyone will be pleased to know that I have completed my bi-yearly bellybutton scrub down. It wasn't easy but I prevailed! What once was a hole of pure filth is now a hole of partial filth.

I have the strangest feeling that either god or my own chromosomes are plotting against me. And that my bitches, is what you call a very serious crisis...

My neighbor has lost her senses. This is evident from the nauseating blend of cheap perfume, menthol cigarettes and yes, incense, that she lets escape out of her window past my front door and up and down the street. So strong is the stench, it's somehow able to go down the hill and up the hill and even around the corner. I could smell it...
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I'm retiring from the ultimate fighting club I belong to. It's just too brutish. I thought that eventually, after a few fights, the guys might get together just to talk and sip some pinot noir and you know, try to express our feelings with words and not by punching or kicking. But it's just not happening. Every week, it's just more fighting. I tried to...
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Yesterday, I opted for a prison sentence rather than wait in line at the Los Angeles Courthouse, which was at least the length of a football field, and which would have taken much longer to get through than a stint in jail.

This morning I was so tired that I had to waterboard myself in the shower for several minutes before I felt any other sensation besides sleep. Naturally I thought of the commercial prospects of selling waterboarding kits that fit in the bathtub and that would wake an individual up much more efficiently than say your average mocha sippa latte. But well, the latte is a...
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