They say a watched pot never boils.
It feels that's what I'm doing right now. Watching the pot... waiting for it to boil.
Occasionally I've been missing Karen but I tell myself it's for the best. There's no way she's sane enough for anything to work properly and when I'm involved with someone crazy it makes me crazy too.
I start ripping up floorboards and breaking things, figuratively. Usually.
Last week at a party I slept with a girl I knew, being told it wouldn't be a big deal. Suddenly it turned into a huge deal.
Maybe it is, or should be, a huge deal but it's just sex. It was fun. It's not going to work and we both said as much, so let's just take what fun we had and go. I came really close to yelling at her while she berated me... but I couldn't find it in me. I just said, "Okay. Yeah. What do you want me to say?" Over and over and over.
How passive.
How so not me.
I feel so insulated lately. Not numb, really... but it's like the volume of everything has been turned down. It's like I'm just going wherever this undertow has yanked me and I'm not really caring about it where goes.
Work. Read. Write. Rinse. Repeat.
"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
Detatched maybe? Is that how I feel...
It could all be because Karen turned tail on me. Or that it's around the anniversary of my friend's suicide. All this mixed with the weather and viola - apathy.
Ugh, all this is just a weird experience. I think something's wrong.
It feels that's what I'm doing right now. Watching the pot... waiting for it to boil.
Occasionally I've been missing Karen but I tell myself it's for the best. There's no way she's sane enough for anything to work properly and when I'm involved with someone crazy it makes me crazy too.
I start ripping up floorboards and breaking things, figuratively. Usually.
Last week at a party I slept with a girl I knew, being told it wouldn't be a big deal. Suddenly it turned into a huge deal.
Maybe it is, or should be, a huge deal but it's just sex. It was fun. It's not going to work and we both said as much, so let's just take what fun we had and go. I came really close to yelling at her while she berated me... but I couldn't find it in me. I just said, "Okay. Yeah. What do you want me to say?" Over and over and over.
How passive.
How so not me.
I feel so insulated lately. Not numb, really... but it's like the volume of everything has been turned down. It's like I'm just going wherever this undertow has yanked me and I'm not really caring about it where goes.
Work. Read. Write. Rinse. Repeat.
"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
Detatched maybe? Is that how I feel...
It could all be because Karen turned tail on me. Or that it's around the anniversary of my friend's suicide. All this mixed with the weather and viola - apathy.
Ugh, all this is just a weird experience. I think something's wrong.
farridac:
omg. wow. i'm sorry and that you're in the state your in... must be the theme amongst people. Just hang in there. get all that aggressive and subconcious anger out.. let it all out and breathe. It will all pass soon. 