7deuce

i just sent my ex this letter:


jen,

this part was written a week ago:

this letter is going to be the most honest letter i have ever written. i am going to say things i have never said before. it is going to be long and maybe a little confusing. this isn't easy for me so bare with me.

i am a confused person when i am depressed. my emotions overwhelm me. you peak my emotions. i try to relax and be calm but my heart beats a million miles an hour. i start thinking about what i should say and do, about my desires and what i want to do with you. i start thinking to the future when i should be thinking about the now. i think about you and me spending our lives together. when i should be thinking about you and me spending this moment together. i think about how you can make me feel happy not how i can help you be happy. i am selfish.

i need and want to find myself, be happy with myself. i don't know how to do this by myself. i need to learn. i wish you could help me and you can but mostly this is a road i need to travel by myself. i need to concentrate on making my life and alex's life better. you have helped me realize this and probably saved my life from being a miserable one. now i need to take my life in my own hands and make it a special one.

i can't begin to make you happy until i can be happy with myself. but i would love it if you were to be there while i make this journey.


i wrote this part today:

saturday i said some things i did not mean. when you told me that i was being dramatic when i was telling you how i felt, it hurt. to me drama is an act a lie. i was not lying. the feelings i was trying to describe were true. i was being passionate about describing them. yes i was trying to paint a picture with my words but they were still true. that is why i was angry because it seemed like you were dismissing my feelings... kind of like how i dismissed yours. i also think i was trying to hurt you. to make you hurt like i was. the problem with that is that you already do. i don't know why i thought that this is easy for you. it can't be. i kept telling myself how much i was losing. you are losing as much as me if not more.

i have been thinking a lot lately. i have been thinking that my dreaming of the future has to stop, i have to concentrate on the "now." help my life and alex's now. thinking about what i have asked of you is too much. also i have come to the realization that you and i, as boyfriend and girlfriend, are over. maybe i lost my hope, maybe i am just being realistic or maybe both. what i do know now is that i don't want to lose you as a friend. it may be too late for that and if it is i understand. but if you feel the same please after we have both had time to heal give me a call.

i miss talking to you. i miss telling you about my day and hearing about yours. i miss helping you with your problems. tuesday i start my therapy. i am scared shitless. i don't know what to expect or what i will find out. this is the type of thing i miss talking to you about.

also when i said i was never going to go to penuche's again and we were never going to bump into each other, i was being childish. it may be a while but i will go again. if you see me and would like to say hi and/or talk to me i would like that. i will not say hi to you. only because i don't want to make you uncomfortable.

i hope the things i said saturday will not keep you from being my friend. if you can't for whatever reason i understand, i have no expectations. but i would like to be friends i understand that it may be months before we can but this is worth working at to me.

shawn


i just wish i would die... i won't kill myself but i do wish that one morning i just wouldn't wake up... or that some big rig would run me off the highway. the pain is too much. i can't take it any more.