3rdtimeaddict

So tonite before meeting some friends for a movie I dropped by a friends place to return a book I borrowed and talk music (about a year ago I got him educated proper on hiphop and sometimes we talk other music, and discuss new Lil Wayne mixtapes). So we were talking and he lives in an artists loft and is a pretty good painter. During the days he works a before and after school program and paints in his free time. So we were in a conversation and without any real intention more just a casual description he said "you're not an artist." Unfortunately, except in wide variety Andy Warhol way I realize that besides fucking around here and there, I've got so many things I'd like to make and do, and havnt put the focus on any of them, and that generally he was right.

That fucking stung too, I mean, it's completely true, I fuck around with a few instruments lying around my place here and there and put some words to paper for album reviews but really, the creative endeavors I'd like to pursue, I routinely hide from. I don't know if it's an anxiety thing and also a general fear of failure. I don't like doing things bad. I want pretty much everything I do to be epic, and realized. That's not to say I manage to follow through but damned if I don't try, but I don't do well with the imagined hopes and expectations if I'm scared they're not all I hope they'll be.

But fuck it, I feel like my life makes the most sense right now that it has in years, there seems to be a focus that's developing and fuck if I won't now be motivated out of spite. I'm not angry at my friend, but I am angry at the fact that it's an unfortunately accurate description. "I'm not an artist" But damned if I'm not gonna try to be.