26oo

nothing happenned today, I sat in front of my computer and coded and coded and coded, then I continued to code while I starred at the ceiling, then I looked back and I'd finished another module...then I coded and coded and thought about skiing...

then I had a thought I hadn't had in a while: the chances I've had. More specifically, the chances I've had with women. Noo...not like the jogger lady but for a meaningful relationship.

I've had 3 chances and they all happenned around this time of the year.
The first one is sorta a lost cause because I can't get back to her (a policy of never going back).

The never going back policy was instituted by the 2nd chance whom I was very nice to. She liked me but then she went and made out with one of my best friends and her best friends' boyfriend. That was not good in total so I didn't like her much but she presisted after me but I had made the policy. She has a nice guy now.

The 3rd one...she had a nasty breakup with her ex who I knew and she was really looking for comfort. I had always been nice to her and so she talked to me for a long time and then she wanted me but for some reason I knew that it was wrong to take advantage of her. Anyhow, she was a long ways away (and she was in a pretty suicidal mood) so I got her hooked on me. One day the conversation turned to sex and I made up a lie about my first time that had more holes in it than a screen door. She figured it out and she got really mad at me. But that was kinda the plan cause she wasn't suicidal anymore. She has a really nice bf now.

In all the cases I've made the decision not to be together or to seperate. The first one was very hard on me because it was like she died (read my early entries and she's basically written as if she was dead). It was an amiable seperation but I feel that I made a mistake...but there's still parts of me that don't want to go back because there were certain differences that will never be reconcilable (like that I want to have many children that I will stay home to take care of).

So...in all the chances I've realized quite simply that sex never had anything to do with any of them. I'm not saving myself but relationships shouldn't be based on them.

I also waste chances because I meet people whom either did me wrong or I think that I'm not good enough for.

As I said before that all the breakup/messups happenned at this time of the year and they've each happenned for the last 3 years straight. So this year I've managed to stay free of any relationships (well, not gotten into any) and I think things will be good.