I am going to update my page to the song "more human than human" Sammy says that song reminds her of me every time she hears it, sammy is like... an amazing person, shes like my little sister who is way smarter than me.
This weekend is possibly the most painful weekend of my existance. My very soul hurts, and if I could sell it to satan himself to get exactly what I want, I would do it. Well I think I would, I meen, not being confronted with that decision makes it easier to make.
Everything falls apart, everything we want, love, crave, all these things I feel are not ment to be, at least not for me. I have loved and lost two people. I think relationships scare me for that reason, and for some reason being in GA reminds me of all these past feelings of anger and despair, but perhaps it is because some of the most trying and hated and sad moments of my life were experienced in that place.
I saw the movie garden state this weekend, I identify greatly with the main character. I like the statement that we don't really have a home after we leave home until we make a family. I can't go home, I know that, I don't feel like home is home. I think the defining part of not feeling like I have a home is the fact that I can go to sleep anywhere and have it feel Ok... Like I used to feel uncomfortable sleeping in strange places, but now I just sleep anywhere. Fuck it you know.
I like to think I am a bad person because that would explain why I feel so many bad and shitty things happen, it helps me be ok with these things.
I know all that seems horridly angsty, I think I am going to be depressed for a while though... I guess thats ok though, Whats the good without the bad...
This weekend is possibly the most painful weekend of my existance. My very soul hurts, and if I could sell it to satan himself to get exactly what I want, I would do it. Well I think I would, I meen, not being confronted with that decision makes it easier to make.
Everything falls apart, everything we want, love, crave, all these things I feel are not ment to be, at least not for me. I have loved and lost two people. I think relationships scare me for that reason, and for some reason being in GA reminds me of all these past feelings of anger and despair, but perhaps it is because some of the most trying and hated and sad moments of my life were experienced in that place.
I saw the movie garden state this weekend, I identify greatly with the main character. I like the statement that we don't really have a home after we leave home until we make a family. I can't go home, I know that, I don't feel like home is home. I think the defining part of not feeling like I have a home is the fact that I can go to sleep anywhere and have it feel Ok... Like I used to feel uncomfortable sleeping in strange places, but now I just sleep anywhere. Fuck it you know.
I like to think I am a bad person because that would explain why I feel so many bad and shitty things happen, it helps me be ok with these things.
I know all that seems horridly angsty, I think I am going to be depressed for a while though... I guess thats ok though, Whats the good without the bad...
bad things happen to everyone. its not a punishment. its life. the good...with the bad..
i'm sorry about your weekend.
i dunno. it feels like things have fallen apart and have been put back together....at least..jesus....i can think of 5 times in my life.
everytime things calm down i feel like something has been achieved, even though it has been lost. something is gained or learned.
i think no matter how much things hurt me i will keep moving on....just because....of what you can achieve when you move on. what you experience from taking chances.
life is painful and pleasurable. but the worst thing that life can be, i think, is boring.
boring breeds all sort of numb depression.
i don't think you're emotionally withdrawn. you may want to be, but you're not.
i don't know what to really write....maybe if you tell me about your weekend...i can understand better. that is, if you want to talk about it.
i totally relate about this sleeping thing. i can sleep anywhere now too. it might just be because i am always very tired.
i think your journal made me a little depressed tonight. depressed and confused. confused because you sounded happy in your voicemail...and here obivously...not. so....i don't know.
we should talk.
i'm skipping my class tomorrow cause i stayed up too late talking to jeremy and thinking about who i am and what i want to be. hehe. be all i can be in the marines. yea. no.
anyway....so...we'll talk.
you must explain these new favourite sexual positions to me,. as i am at quite a loss.