In order for men to be like Edward Cullen, things have to be a lot more infused with drama than they generally are. Edward is the way he is for reasons that are alien to most people - he survived the 1918 flu epidemic by supernatural means. He has had to struggle against his nature ever since, to avoid becoming a monster. And when he falls in love with Bella, he has to exercise extremes of self-control to avoid killing her. Most men don't have to do this, so most men aren't like Edward Cullen.
Speaking as a man who's been through a lot of heartbreak in my life, the question I would be asking is why aren't more women like Bella Swan? I'm married to a woman who's more like Bella Swan than any other woman I've ever been with, and it took me until I was 35 to find her. But when she showed up, it was the easiest thing in the world.
Why? Basically, when I was younger I wasn't a very nice person. I might have looked like a decent catch if I'd paid any attention at all to how I looked, but that wouldn't have been doing anyone any favors - probably I would have had more luck with women then, and made more women miserable, because I really had no idea how to treat them. And most of the women I *did* meet were like that too - they had no idea what they really wanted from me, other than the generic "to make me happy" or "to have kids and form a family."
What finally worked for me was to change the way I thought about what I was doing. I started to think of myself in terms of what kind of gift I would be to the woman who I wanted in my life - the one who was like Bella. Remember, Bella is beautiful, like you, but she's also incredibly selfless and considerate. She's every bit as much a dreamboat as Edward is.
So anyway, from my side, I started trying to turn myself into someone who would be a proper gift to the woman I wanted to meet. I was a little overweight, so I started working out every day. There were things about myself that I didn't like, so I started working on them. I put quite a bit of effort into being less of a schlub - dressing nicely, stuff like that. I started paying attention to behaving ethically, and behaving kindly, and even kept track of it in a journal. It was a long process - it still took Andrea several years to show up, but show up she did. She's really wonderful, but I think my greatest accomplishment with respect to her is that I haven't driven her off. I am not doing the things I did in previous relationships that caused them to blow up. I am being proactive in trying to make her feel welcome and loved. And she's doing it too. And so here we are, happily married for seven years.
There's absolutely no reason why this can't happen to you. But you have to work on what you control. When you talked about how things went for you in your old relationships, you acknowledged that you couldn't control yourself, and the relationships went off the rails in a big way because of that. This is what drove you to the unhappy place you were, where you didn't have any hope anymore.
So if you want to avoid going to that place again, you need to take control. The trick for you is not to find the right boy, although eventually you will need to, but to find the right you - the one that deserves to be with Edward. Don't think "I am not that person, so I am screwed." You are clay in your own hands. Figure out how to shape that clay into the lady who deserves to be with Edward, and shape it.
We are taught over and over again that the road to happiness is to find our true love and settle down with him or her, and then we will find that grounded centered place where we do not fly off the handle and wreck the relationsuip. And then if we are in a relationship and it doesn't work, well then that must not have been Mr. or Ms. right. But that's the exact opposite of how to be happy, and it's why so many relationships fail so painfully. We have to find that grounded, centered place on our own, and then we have the power within ourselves to have a relationship that doesn't fly apart. And then when someone who has the potential to be Mr. or Ms. right comes along, we have some hope of making it work.
we all luv u miss salliss!
i hope u are better now and i trust that u will only go up from now on!
since u reached already the bottom!
i wish that u can see soon how beautifull is life just by the little things, like the sun, the flower, the dogs and such things!
thats how i have been soo well since my father passed away almost 3 years ago.
i wanted to die so many times before he died, and after that i also wanted, but im still here and managed myself to always try to be happy or at least to be possitive!
i wish u the best miss for this new year!
I have seen you in chat a few times however that does not constitute "knowing" anyone especially not well enough to offer anything much helpful other than I hope that 2009 is not just better than 2008 but that it is a bajillion times better than 2008. I am barely acquainted with you but if you need someone to talk with just for a fresh perspective or something please feel free to drop me a line.
Sincerely,
Blossom
I just saw this after taking a break from the site. I hope you feel better than when you posted this. I just wanted to show my support and tell you that you are a beautiful person and the world needs you.
Sorry to hear that Sal. Hope all is well and I know what that feels like all to well but with the female side. I'm sure the hurt is none the different. Love will find you when your not looking for it. Course, I'm still waiting for that to happen to. LOL
Speaking as a man who's been through a lot of heartbreak in my life, the question I would be asking is why aren't more women like Bella Swan? I'm married to a woman who's more like Bella Swan than any other woman I've ever been with, and it took me until I was 35 to find her. But when she showed up, it was the easiest thing in the world.
Why? Basically, when I was younger I wasn't a very nice person. I might have looked like a decent catch if I'd paid any attention at all to how I looked, but that wouldn't have been doing anyone any favors - probably I would have had more luck with women then, and made more women miserable, because I really had no idea how to treat them. And most of the women I *did* meet were like that too - they had no idea what they really wanted from me, other than the generic "to make me happy" or "to have kids and form a family."
What finally worked for me was to change the way I thought about what I was doing. I started to think of myself in terms of what kind of gift I would be to the woman who I wanted in my life - the one who was like Bella. Remember, Bella is beautiful, like you, but she's also incredibly selfless and considerate. She's every bit as much a dreamboat as Edward is.
So anyway, from my side, I started trying to turn myself into someone who would be a proper gift to the woman I wanted to meet. I was a little overweight, so I started working out every day. There were things about myself that I didn't like, so I started working on them. I put quite a bit of effort into being less of a schlub - dressing nicely, stuff like that. I started paying attention to behaving ethically, and behaving kindly, and even kept track of it in a journal. It was a long process - it still took Andrea several years to show up, but show up she did. She's really wonderful, but I think my greatest accomplishment with respect to her is that I haven't driven her off. I am not doing the things I did in previous relationships that caused them to blow up. I am being proactive in trying to make her feel welcome and loved. And she's doing it too. And so here we are, happily married for seven years.
There's absolutely no reason why this can't happen to you. But you have to work on what you control. When you talked about how things went for you in your old relationships, you acknowledged that you couldn't control yourself, and the relationships went off the rails in a big way because of that. This is what drove you to the unhappy place you were, where you didn't have any hope anymore.
So if you want to avoid going to that place again, you need to take control. The trick for you is not to find the right boy, although eventually you will need to, but to find the right you - the one that deserves to be with Edward. Don't think "I am not that person, so I am screwed." You are clay in your own hands. Figure out how to shape that clay into the lady who deserves to be with Edward, and shape it.
We are taught over and over again that the road to happiness is to find our true love and settle down with him or her, and then we will find that grounded centered place where we do not fly off the handle and wreck the relationsuip. And then if we are in a relationship and it doesn't work, well then that must not have been Mr. or Ms. right. But that's the exact opposite of how to be happy, and it's why so many relationships fail so painfully. We have to find that grounded, centered place on our own, and then we have the power within ourselves to have a relationship that doesn't fly apart. And then when someone who has the potential to be Mr. or Ms. right comes along, we have some hope of making it work.
the sexual tension through that movie...oh my god.
xxx