unnecessaryz

First of all, thank you everyone who posted a birthday greeting. Whether it was insulting (freyja) or well intentioned (everyone else), it was properly inputed, processed, and stored in my robotic brain.

Secondly, as the more observant of you may have noticed, this year I celebrated my twenty seventh year on the twenty seventh day. I did some research and found out an interesting fact. In ancient times, this sort of date significance, combined with the right astrological alignment, equals one thing: fantastic powers for a day. But all the books in the world, even the ones with the word 'necro' in the title, could not tell me exactly what powers I should look forward to wielding. This left only one option: wreckless experimentation.

I figured the easiest and safest way to start was to test my mind powers. I'm an ambitious man, so I started big, but to my disappointment I couldn't lift a bus simply by thinking about it. As a last ditch effort, I tried to get someone I was having an annoying conversation with to stop talking by repeatedly saying "shut up" in my mind. It totally worked, but I think it had more to do with the conversation stopping look of concentration I had on my face.

With the total failure of my potential mind melting abilities, I decided to tip-toe into the realm of physical invulnerability. After putting myself through a battery of nerf related endurance tests, I decided not to proceed any further since I got hit in the knuckle with one of the nerf bat's plastic tips and it kind of hurt. It seemed pretty obvious at that point that I wasn't going to survive phase two of my testing: leaping blindly from the edge of a skyscraper with a lit stick of dynamite shoved up my ass.

I was in a rut. I had no discernable powers and the day was almost over. As I was lost in thought, I almost didn't even realize that I just annihilated a two hundred dollar H&M gift certificate in under an hour without a dollar to spare. This clearly qualifies as super-human level shopping. Great, the power of gay, I already had that.

It wasn't until later, after drinking copious amounts of liquor, that I realized I hadn't succumbed to the debilitating plight of whisky dick. At the end of the day, my super power had finally revealed itself, and the bitches were satisfied. BOO-YA!