i can't stand it when i'm not drunk and everyone else is. loud, unpleasant, people. they think that they are really funny. and they aren't, particularly. they make me want to hide or drink. and i really shouldn't drink. so i'll come hide with my sg friends, because they aren't drunk. listening to people, i can feel my heart beat. as though my chest is...
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VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
jivesucka52:
You and this entry are absolutely beautiful...I think really good chocolate is better than sex by far. I need all of the things you mentioned in the last paragraph. Where do we find all of this and how do we deal until it happens? That's my current problem. The waiting for things to happen phase. Bye..Sorry to rant.
jivesucka52:
Thanks for being sweet and putting up with my rants. Take care my dear.
just got up. this jobless life, while it won't last for much longer, is really nice sometimes. sleep until you don't feel like sleeping anymore.. wake up and get out of bed when you're done cuddling..
it's a grey day today. it's beginning to be the fall - the leaves are dying and drying on the trees, the grass all golden and bleaching.
my walls...
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it's a grey day today. it's beginning to be the fall - the leaves are dying and drying on the trees, the grass all golden and bleaching.
my walls...
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VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
jurasic:
bush gardens @ 9 pm wednesday...don't worry...we are not snobby...just come down & have fun with us...
this is because Jetta's journal...noticed you are anti-social...this is quite alright...she doesn't speak much either...ohwell...hope you decide to come out...
this is because Jetta's journal...noticed you are anti-social...this is quite alright...she doesn't speak much either...ohwell...hope you decide to come out...
trismegistus:
mei, you don't seem crazy. in fact you seem one of the more sane heads in this sg drama. and i don't think there's anything wrong with experimenting on your mind and thought patterns, i do it all the time on my own mind.
i haven't read your thesis yet but will soon. how was it received? are you working toward a master's now? i have a bachelor's degree from many many years ago and have in the interim used it to land many boring, low-paying, utterly unfulfilling jobs. now i am seriously leaning toward graduate school because 1) i need an extended break from 9-5 m-f mind-numbing work and 2) most of what i do with my free time is study anyway so i might as well put the interest+energy toward a finite goal. if i do, and i probably will, the intent is to become a professor of literature. i can do teaching, this i know.
i haven't read your thesis yet but will soon. how was it received? are you working toward a master's now? i have a bachelor's degree from many many years ago and have in the interim used it to land many boring, low-paying, utterly unfulfilling jobs. now i am seriously leaning toward graduate school because 1) i need an extended break from 9-5 m-f mind-numbing work and 2) most of what i do with my free time is study anyway so i might as well put the interest+energy toward a finite goal. if i do, and i probably will, the intent is to become a professor of literature. i can do teaching, this i know.
whirlwinds in the fields today. little brown tornados. whenever i can, i like to run into the middle of a whirlwind and feel it tug at my clothes before the air sighs and dissipates. i always sit in the bathtub until all the water is gone, to watch the silver twirling thread tentatively reach down the drain. it's the same thing - air and water,...
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VIEW 20 of 20 COMMENTS
trismegistus:
your feelings about death: i wish it was not so scary for you. myself i feel an alien much of the time on this my resident planet and many terrestrial concerns leave me wondering whence the hell i really came. in a related story, i'm actually on good terms with death.
do you still have your ulysses thesis? i would love to read it and possibly show parts or all of it to anyone in my group that is having trouble adjusting to gliding (reading synaesthetically). there is one in the group who i already can see is going to want to comprehend every single word of it. he clutched for dear life his annotated bloomsday book. i'm afraid he's in for a harder ride than the rest... you can help save him, mei!
and i love the circe chapter so the fact that you're trying to think more like it intrigues me - how do you mean?
do you still have your ulysses thesis? i would love to read it and possibly show parts or all of it to anyone in my group that is having trouble adjusting to gliding (reading synaesthetically). there is one in the group who i already can see is going to want to comprehend every single word of it. he clutched for dear life his annotated bloomsday book. i'm afraid he's in for a harder ride than the rest... you can help save him, mei!
and i love the circe chapter so the fact that you're trying to think more like it intrigues me - how do you mean?
anais:
I saw your comment in trismeitus (did I get that right?) journal. Just so you know, if you are crazy you aren't alone. I am a large believer in lucid dreaming. I always try and see things beyond what is in front of me. It seems to work better if you are a lone, or at least alone with your thoughts.
i watched a woman today as she walked to the bus stop. her lank ashy hair barely fluttered as the cars drove by. she was one of those people that look like they might or might not be pregnant. grey and sackish, her tank top clung to her shoulders. i watched her mouth move, and the young student to whom she spoke checked his watch,...
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VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
atrasties:
Thanks pixie, I think I like it darker too but I needed a change for a while.
Lately I find myself countering the people around me; everyone is moving constantly, pacing and I just stay still, either in a crouch or leaned up against something with these blurry forms just whipping back and forth around me.
Bus stops are like an alternate universe I think; just outside our dimension.
Lately I find myself countering the people around me; everyone is moving constantly, pacing and I just stay still, either in a crouch or leaned up against something with these blurry forms just whipping back and forth around me.
Bus stops are like an alternate universe I think; just outside our dimension.
biffy:
I would have wondered about an absent-minded scracthing of a nipple too, until I became a nursing mother. My nipples are no longer the sensual, sexual, center of eroticism they once were. Now they're just another body part. An important one (they were the sole source of my child's nourishment for the first 6 months of her life!), but no more sexual than an elbow.
i'd reply to y'alls, but my brain is still feeling like a tornado went through it.
and i don't have anything else to say, even - i just felt like the journal needed changing.
and i don't have anything else to say, even - i just felt like the journal needed changing.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
morgan:
feel better, babe.
feel better, babe.
atrasties:
You remind me of a depiction of Bast tonight, I've been reading some old mythology texts and that just came into my head. I mean it's always good to be a goddess/god or at least look like one, maybe you're an avatar of Bast, she was always one of my favorite egyptian gods, probably because of the cats.
i am mad. crazyangryfrustrated. i don't know why. it doesn't make sense. i want to cry and roll around and throw things. or just go to sleep and forget i felt like this today. i still feel a little sick. i need to relax. i need to say soft happy things to myself until my brain stops teetering wherever it's run off to. but it...
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VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
evie:
internal battles are the most bloody aen't they???
i feel ya!!!
exploding dog = big fun!!
cheer up--your brain will not get the best of you.....
i feel ya!!!
exploding dog = big fun!!
cheer up--your brain will not get the best of you.....
phedre:
I'm sorry. I'm weak when facing down my brain too, so what you're saying is all too familiar. But at least when I stop taking the medicine, the craziness that ensues isn't mine. Because my craziness doesn't stand a chance against what the medicine does. Only after I started taking it did they tell me that going off of it is very traumatic for some people. Once you start it, it's almost impossible to stop, because your body gets used to it and, for a unspecified amount of time, can't function without it. Lovely, isn't it? So I can't ever really stop, and that makes me sad.
I'm sorry for your troubles, love. *hugs* I'm here for you in any way I can be.
I'm sorry for your troubles, love. *hugs* I'm here for you in any way I can be.
*growl*
hungover. i've been hungover all day, and it won't go away. grumpy and tummyachy. i drank absinthe last night. i don't remember much. won't do that again on a work night.
beautiful sunset the other night. strange, how that pinky orange color only looks good in the sky and on living things (like salmon) but otherwise is kind of sad-looking.
going to leave before...
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hungover. i've been hungover all day, and it won't go away. grumpy and tummyachy. i drank absinthe last night. i don't remember much. won't do that again on a work night.
beautiful sunset the other night. strange, how that pinky orange color only looks good in the sky and on living things (like salmon) but otherwise is kind of sad-looking.
going to leave before...
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VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
stickyrice:
Oof. I hope you're recovering, maybe into the jittery, queasy stages by now. Possibly beyond.
I just found out they "add color" to the salmon raised on farms, feeding them carotenoids to make the flesh pink. This is the world we live in.
Do you drink to enhance your happy feelings or to get rid of the other ones? This entry worried me. If it means anything and isn't presumptuous or stupid, I'd rather you not do the full Marilyn with alcohol/substances yet. Or ever. Important that you be around for a long time.
[Edited on Aug 16, 2003]
I just found out they "add color" to the salmon raised on farms, feeding them carotenoids to make the flesh pink. This is the world we live in.
Do you drink to enhance your happy feelings or to get rid of the other ones? This entry worried me. If it means anything and isn't presumptuous or stupid, I'd rather you not do the full Marilyn with alcohol/substances yet. Or ever. Important that you be around for a long time.
[Edited on Aug 16, 2003]
morgan:
good luck with that! eat eggs, that always helps me.
i hate hate hate paying for food. it's so absurd. it just goes away. *poof* work = money = food = energy to do more work. it seems like a dumb vicious cycle. more like a viscous cycle, actually. less aggressively violent, more just sticky and slow. like wading through corn syrup.
days are long and hot. i'm a little irritable. i want something to...
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days are long and hot. i'm a little irritable. i want something to...
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VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
tegan:
thanks for the reccomendations.
im guna be hitting up the bookstore when my friend gets there to work.
gotta love having a friend that opperates a book store.
bring on the 1.50$ books!
im guna be hitting up the bookstore when my friend gets there to work.
gotta love having a friend that opperates a book store.
bring on the 1.50$ books!
scattershot:
we have to pay to live ... in essence we are buying our lives ... how fucking rediculous is that.
another interview tomorrow, this time at a friend's office. maybe i have a chance at this one. maybe. 'twould be nice. it's way far out, though - long commute.. and i'd be dealing with a bunch of compulsive gamblers.. facilitating it. oh well. it has great benefits.
we're going to be moving out of our house soon. our housemate is leaving, and we can't afford...
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we're going to be moving out of our house soon. our housemate is leaving, and we can't afford...
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VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
stickyrice:
Having nothing to say is fine with me. I usually have nothing to say when my fingers first hit the keys, and then it happens. Or doesn't. I hope you get the job, gambler-enabling or not, and your limbo period doesn't last long.
atrasties:
I think it's the heat everyone seems a little muddled, like they are all dancing a fraction off the beat.
Good luck tomorrow, benefits are always a welcome thing in a job. Huggles and such.
*does back walkover and slides right into the ground, with one hand waving bye*
Good luck tomorrow, benefits are always a welcome thing in a job. Huggles and such.
*does back walkover and slides right into the ground, with one hand waving bye*
i'm going to be gone for a couple of days.. i'll be back on wednesday. i'll try to write a book while i'm gone, for posting when i get back.
there is not much in my brain right now except for tuna melts. mmmm.
"but we must think! why did you get rid of your brain?" "to make room for the tuna!"
it's a lazy...
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there is not much in my brain right now except for tuna melts. mmmm.
"but we must think! why did you get rid of your brain?" "to make room for the tuna!"
it's a lazy...
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VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
broadwaybee:
Have fun, lady. Talk to you when you get back...
burn:
can't wait for your new set. how much longer? every day i check, and it's still not there. *pout*
i hope everything is going great for you and your fiance
i hope everything is going great for you and your fiance